Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Speaking of Bastards . . .

Bristol Palin has given birth to a son. Hopefully, his paternal grandmother will spend enough time out of prison and his maternal grandmother will spend enough time in Alaska to help with his rearing.
Consistent with the Palins' vaguely white-trash tradition of bestowing unusual, one-of-a-kind names on their children, the boy has been named Tripp. No surprise there.
But what I want to know is:
What the hell is the kid's LAST name?

For devout Fundamentalist Christians, the Palins certainly have a casual attitude toward out-of-wedlock children.
I'd like to suggest some Palin-style names for future offspring: How about Hyp? Or Crit?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Happy New Year, America! Screw the Bastards and Get Drunk Doing It

I don't know a hedge fund (money put aside for shrubbery?) from a hockey puck, but the current Wall-Street scams can be instructive for us drunks.
How about a bar-hopping ponzi scheme? You pick up a new drinker at each bar and promise him that if he buys a round, he'll drink free at all the next bars. The last guy gets screwed and you have free drinks for the whole night.

New Year's Eve is coming up in a couple days, and this traditional "amateur night" at the bars should be perfect for trying out the scheme.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Put Christ Back in Christmas?

How about putting Christ back in Christianity!
Christ is the only thing I really like about Christianity, a religion that I find ridiculous (snake handling, speaking in tongues, medieval Catholic rituals) at best, and barbaric (gay bashing, denial of reproductive rights, support of fascist governments) at its worst.

It's hard to find fault with Jesus as a teacher riding around on a donkey telling people to mellow out. Going from that peaceful image to the Crusades, Inquisition, Salem Witch Trials, and the hatred sewn by contemporary right-wing Christian fanatics is a testament to the ugliness of our species.

I recently heard a Baptist minister explain that God has made an exception regarding homosexuals and it's okay to hate them.
Maybe it's time for Jesus to get back on his ass and start mellowing-out his followers again.
Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 15, 2008

"I Don't Know What His Beef Is." --George W. Bush

Along with "Mission Accomplished" and "You're Doing A Heck Of A Job, Brownie", we now have another quote to be chiseled in stone at the George Bush Presidential Library.
Why would that shoe-throwing Iraqi journalist have a beef?
After all, he isn't one of our 200,000 "collateral damage" casualties, he isn't one of 2 million homeless Iraqi refugees, he isn't one of the 20,000 Iraqis we've imprisoned, he wasn't tortured or sent to a cage in Cuba, he hasn't been used by American mercenaries for target practice, and he was only kidnapped by U.S. forces and held without charges once.
Talk about an ingrate!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Bush Legacy

The Bush gang is currently taking time out from the shredding machines to roll back laws enforcing environmental protection and workplace safety. Along with the war on peace and prosperity, Dubya is waging a desperate last minute war against the environment and people who work for a living. Apparently, this is an attempt to insure his legacy as the leader of America's most destructive administration.

Recently I was challenged to name one positive feature of the Bush legacy. After lengthy deliberation, I actually came up with something:
Thanks to Dubya's invasion of Iraq, our going to war in Vietnam is now only the second dumbest thing this country has ever done.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

It's Just Crazy Enough It Might Work! Sensible Cars and Health Care

Instead of bailing out the auto companies, why not invest that money in universal health care? The advantages would be:
1.) These "health care providers that also make cars" (GM spends more on employee health care than steel) could put the savings into retooling their factories.
2.) America would join the rest of the civilized world in providing health care for its citizens (who would then have more money to buy cars!).

(An alternate plan would be to turn those billions into $10,000.00 vouchers that Americans could use to buy only American-made cars. This would put money in Detroit and force the "Big Three" to build cars that American consumers want.)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Terrorists: Please Don't Read This, Okay? Thanks.--TSA

re: "Terrorist for a Day"
It's simple. You murder the passengers before they get on the plane.
Any Tom, Dick, or Abdul can walk through the front door of an airport with a concealed bomb. He merely has to walk over to where TSA has passengers gathered into a nice tight herd waiting to be inspected, toss the bomb into their midst, and (unless he's anxious for those virgins) run like hell.
The collateral damage to TSA staff and passersby will make up for the pilots and flight attendants that are spared.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Let's Play: "Terrorist for a Day"

While riding on airliners, I often amuse myself by playing the mind game: "If I were a terrorist, how could I kill everyone on this flight?" Some flights inspire this game more than others.
After a recent, particularly inspirational flight (these are more common now that airlines have given up on passenger comfort and modern Americans have given up on good manners) I devised an absolutely foolproof way to murder every passenger (except myself) on any flight, which would be impossible for TSA to prevent.

Interested? I will reveal my plan in an upcoming entry.
Meanwhile, got any ideas of your own that you'd like to share?
Drop a line.

Friday, November 28, 2008

"We Deserve Better"

No shit! We Alaskans deserve better than a governor who uses her office to settle personal vendettas. The nation deserves better than a candidate who rejects Evolution, global warming, separation of Church and State, reproductive freedom, and gay rights.

And the clowns responsible for this ad deserve exactly what they wish for: A superstitious, Church-ridden medieval society run by and for the rich that is constantly at war, filled with sick and impoverished citizens subsisting in filth and pollution.
Too bad they want to drag the rest of us back to "the good old days" with them.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

That's Crabs and Herpes You're Thinking of, Ted

Looks like we're finally rid of "Uncle Ted" Stevens. Crooked lobbyists and TV comedians will be in mourning.
Exhibiting his usual clarity of thought, Ted has left us with: "JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE GIVES YOU SOMETHING, THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S A GIFT."

Hopefully, it won't be too hard on Ted's 85-year-old system when he's informed that losing an election means that you are no longer in office.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mormons Lead the Way

Courageously, the Mormon Church is leading the new crusade to abolish same-sex marriage.
It's good to see men with 5 wives and 13-year-old brides taking a stand against unnatural conjugal unions.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Alaskan Aptitude Test

Q. What is the only thing in the world dumber than being 84-years-old with 7 felony convictions and running for a U.S. Senate seat that you're guaranteed to be expelled from?

A. Voting for an 84-year-old with 7 felony convictions who's running for a U.S. Senate seat that he's guaranteed to be expelled from.

Friday, November 7, 2008

She Ain't Sung Yet

I hate to be the piece of fruit in your trick-'r-treat bag, but it ain't quite over.
(Please refer to my Sept. 22 entry, or Harvey Keitel's warning after cleaning up the mess in Pulp Fiction: "Let's not start . . . ")

The Bush/Cheney gang is still in charge for another 75 days. These are dangerous men who have shown a total disregard for the image of America, the welfare of our citizens, or the rights of other nations. They believe that God is on their side, and that anything can be justified to advance their mission.

There is still plenty of time for Bush to pursue a scorched earth policy. Many opportunities exist to further destabilize the world and add another helping of shit to the platter he's handing over to the new president. Hopefully, there are reasonable men in Washington who can prevent this. Don't count on it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Finally, we can begin healing the damage of the past 8 years. It won't be easy. Never in our history has a new president inherited a nest so fouled by it's previous occupant.

John McCain has shown himself as a fool who valued his own election over the best interests of the nation. His ridiculous stunt of running with Sarah Palin was a major factor in sinking an ugly and dishonest campaign.
Ironically, Dubya, who defeated McCain in 2 Republican presidential primaries, helped defeat him again by his endorsement!

There is a down side, of course, for those of us in Alaska. Our governor is back, but at least we have a better idea now of what our sweet little hockey mom is really all about. There isn't enough lipstick in the world to make me see that shrill ditz as a beauty queen again.
I suppose it's better to "take one for the team" and have her here in Juneau instead of Washington.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Decidedly B.S.

Dubya proclaimed himself "The Decider." The only expression of greater ignorance I have endured lately is from the voters declaring themselves "The Undecided." Give me a break!

Americans are hard-wired to vote one way or the other, and most settle on a candidate the day he's nominated. The Undecided expect me to believe that after being offered what they see as a slice of pie in one hand a bowl of shit in the other, they need some time to choose. "Hmmm . . . let me see now. What flavor pie is that?"

Are there really people who would allow a candidate's slip of the tongue on election eve reverse their entire political allegiance? Voters who claim to be forming a decision at this late date are fools, liars, or both. My advice to them is: On election day, stay home and play with your Ouija boards and tarot cards!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Gosh Darn It, Am I A Socialist?

Dear Sarah,
I don't know why you're so down on redistributing wealth. That $3,000.00 check from the State of Alaska that you sent me this October was awesome. Free money for doing nothing! I should have moved here sooner. With those bucks you took from the rich oil guys and gave to me I'll finally be able to buy some decent weed. I may never work again. Thank you, peace-love!

Joe the Hippie
410 Easy St.
Anchorage, Alaska

Friday, October 31, 2008

Sarah's Big Adventure

We're down to just a few more days of candidate Palin lecturing us on economics. The next time you hear Sarah's financial views, please note: As part of her NRC funded shopping spree, she bought an $800.00 Louis Vuitton purse for her six-year-old daughter.

Please respond by checking one option.
I would relate the above-mentioned purchase more closely with:
1.) A responsible, down-to-earth hockey mom
2.) An out-of-control, white-trash bimbo

In a McCain/Palin administration, who would be Secretary of the Treasury--Paris Hilton?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Alaskan Voters B*** F***ed Long Enough

Welcome to the Alaskan political scene. Along with our governor making a national spectacle of herself, we now have a senator with 7 felony convictions.
But what's truly remarkable is, it gets worse. Behold our lone congressman: Don Young.
While delivering a high-school commencement speech in Fairbanks, Don denounced the National Endowment for the Arts by declaring that he would block any funding for a "bunch of butt-fuckers." Nice, huh?
Fairbanks is a unique place. To our many distinctions we can now add: First graduating high-school seniors and their families to be treated to the term "butt-fucker" in a commencement ceremony.
Do you really need to know any more about the man?
Our Neanderthal congressman is currently facing several corruption charges. Hopefully, he will soon be sharing a jail cell with Sen. Stevens--tastefully decorated with "Dogs Playing Poker," "Velvet Elvis," and other works of non-gay art.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Keepin' It Real

Dear Real Americans,
I'm sick of hearing about this other Joe the Plumber guy. What the the hell does he know? He knows that shit runs downhill and Barack Hussein Obama is a communist. Duh!
If instead of running around giving interviews like some big shot he stayed home at night and listened to smart guys on AM radio he'd know what I know. He'd know that in Arab countries shit runs uphill and if Barack Hussein Obama is elected he's gonna bring a bunch of Arab plumbers over here who will fix it so that shit runs uphill in America too.
And then what are Real American plumbing businesses gonna do, huh?
Wake up America!

The Real Joe the Plumber
Trulee, Missouri
United States of Real America

Friday, October 24, 2008

A Letter From Iraq

Dear John,
Hey, you senile old fart--get your ass in gear! You promised us a hundred years of easy money over here and we're holding you to it. What the hell do you expect us to do--come home to your trashed-out economy and work for a living?

Joe The Government Contractor

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Come On, Boy, Go To Work!

Bush, McCain, and their cronies shouldn't be too upset if they lose the White House next month.
Aren't these rich Republicans used to having black men come in after them and clean up their mess?

Monday, October 20, 2008

You Can't Trust Anyone Anymore!

The Republicans' campaign to expose Obama and his supporters as terrorists is making great progress.
It has finally outed Colin Powell.
Who would have guessed that a West Point graduate, veteran of two wars, four star general, ex-Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and former Bush cabinet-member is actually an anti-American terrorist?
Keep up the good work!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Dubya: The Personal Touch

I used to think that George W. Bush's main focus was on destroying the image of our nation as a whole.
With the current financial fiasco, I can see that he has also been working to destroy the lives of individual Americans.
I guess he's really just a people person.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

War? What War?

The war in Iraq never came up in last night's presidential debates. I find this fascinating. Even in a debate on economic and domestic issues, I would expect something as catastrophic as being at war to be mentioned.
Isn't a trillion dollars wasted on a senseless war an economic issue?
Isn't the death and maiming of thousands of Americans and its toll on their families a domestic issue?
Has this country become so used to violence and constant war that it isn't even worthy of discussion anymore?

Monday, October 13, 2008

Please! When You Vote This Time, Listen to the Angels--Not the Demons

The talking heads have devoted this weekend to discussing the candidates' religious views. My knee-jerk reaction is: Who gives a damn? But, of course, I keep forgetting the polls showing that over 50% of Americans believe in angels and demons.
These are the people who will help elect our new leaders!

In a truly enlightened society, I would assume that people believing in angels and demons would be barred from voting due to mental incompetence. Here, they decide our future.
Sometimes I wonder how our country has survived at all.

Friday, October 10, 2008

"Gosh Darnit, John, You're Harshing My Gig!"

Judging by the huge crowds she continues to draw, Sarah Palin's fans seem prepared to back her no matter what she says or does. John McCain, campaigning like an angry old fart, is losing supporters daily.
Maybe it's time Caribou Barbie considered dropping McCain from the ticket.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Definitely Pure Number Two

Dear Joe,
Fuck you! You don't like my poem? Dude, it was in New Yorker--you think they don't know a good poem when they see one?
A good poem has to be either:
1.) A hundred years old
2.) Impossible to understand
and my poem is definitely number two!

Drop dead you goddamn cretin,
A. Angry Poet
New York, N.Y.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

To My Poet Friends:

The New Yorker is one of the most prestigious publishers of contemporary poetry. The magazine receives thousands of submissions and prints only the cream of the crop. Here is an example from this week's issue (really):

Beast Brutality

The caption read,
"He and she standing quietly next to a dog."
The prompt queen sat with her crown on,
The insects between each Gothic arch providing a measure
Of what can be
Done with architecture.
She said, "We built it long ago.
And then we knocked it down."
And then she looked away.
"And then we looked away."

And you keep asking me why no one reads poetry anymore!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Nice Hearing From You, Jack

Dear Joe,
Our governor's frequent references to "Joe Six-Pack" make me think that she is seriously out of touch with the people in her own state. Six-pack? I haven't seen one of them since I was buying my beer with a fake I.D. Do they still even sell six-packs? I can't think of anyone around here who would even bother taking home only six beers. I don't know about you, but at my house six beers ain't getting us through breakfast.

Take care,
Jack Half-Rack
Fairbanks, Ak.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Keep In Touch

Dear Joe,
Sarah was like totally awesome last night! Her firm stand against the Holocaust showed some real hockey-mommy, bull-doggy grit. Man's inhumanity towards man is totally icky (almost as icky as a man marrying a man) and if she wins I'm sure she'll use her title to promote world peace.
I'm really looking forward to the swimsuit competition. (She was robbed last time!)
Anyhoo, she's got "Miss Congeniality" in the bag.

God bless us all, and let Track kill lots of Arabs,
(name withheld)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

We Have Met the Enemy--and Put Him in Charge of the War

Dubya has addressed the nation again about the "financial disaster." What a joke! He is the disaster.
The free-for-all atmosphere created by Bush when he turned the nation over to his country-club cronies is at the root of the problem.
We're supposed to entrust our economy to a man who pocketed 120 million dollars of easy money from Wall Street before joining Dubya's administration? Paulson is just another of the Bush shysters who have been running America as if it were their own private banana republic.

Of course, we're going to retain Paulson and regulate him.
Maybe we should have retained slavery and merely regulated it.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I've Got Two Hummers and a Pool--I Win!

Does the current Wall Street disaster really surprise anyone? The climate of greed in this country is astounding.
I think things started getting out of hand about 20 years ago with the emergence of the "day trader."
People used to earn a living by producing something--then, suddenly, making money became an occupation. I find this strange. "What do you do for a living?" "I make money."

Maybe I'm just an old hippie, but when the bumper stickers went from MAKE LOVE NOT WAR to WHOEVER DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS, this nation really took a nose dive.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Strike Three, "Mr. Respectful"

Last night's debate ended any respect I had left for John McCain. Again he resorted to stunts instead of reason.
Stunt #1--Making a ridiculous choice for VP because it would grab headlines.
Stunt#2--Acting as if the financial-crisis negotiations couldn't spare him for 90 minutes. What an absurd and shameless bit of grandstanding!
Stunt#3--Answering debate questions on specific issues with all-purpose patriotic mumbo-jumbo, and adopting a condescending attitude toward Obama that was so labored it bordered on the comical.

This is the man who promised a fair and respectful campaign?
Does he really feel the need for such desperate tactics?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Too Bad Franco and Pinochet Aren't Available

I'm glad that Ms. Palin got to meet with some world leaders, including Henry Kissinger.
Hopefully, he was able to instruct Sarah in the finer points of the Kissinger Doctrine: Informing impoverished third-worlders that they are better dead than red and then replacing their democratically elected heads of state with fascist dictators.

Maybe she should also have a chat with Robert Mugabe. His expertise in creating war, chaos, poverty, and economic disaster might help her to continue the Bush Doctrine.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Thanks for Screwing Us. Your Check is in the Mail.

Why are we worried about trusting our economy to Secretary Paulson's bail-out plan?
If it proves disastrous, we can just dismiss him with a $20 million severance bonus and move on.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I Hate to Sound Like Chicken Little, But . . .

I've been trying to guess what the grand finale of the Bush presidency might be.
Some weeks ago I figured, okay, this is it: A return to the Cold War.
But no! Now it seems that it might be: The re-creation of the Great Depression!
It's truly hard to keep up. And it ain't over yet!

As this Hindenburg of an administration flies, as the Titanic of a presidency sails into its final months, I'm sure that there is still time for THE BIG ONE.
What this will be I don't know, but I can't believe that the fools responsible for the last 8 years don't have one final disaster up their sleeves.

So, fasten your seat belts and lay in a good supply of whatever substance you abuse.
The sky is falling.

Friday, September 19, 2008

And His Fingers Were Crossed Behind His Back, Too

John McCain has just informed us that his running-mate "knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America."

To prove his point, Sarah immediately announced that Alaska provides our country with 20% of its oil and gas energy. The correct figure is 1.5%.
Well, he did say "probably."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

"This One's For You, Uncle Barack!"

Track Palin is heading for Iraq.
Don't be surprised if in the next 50 days we hear that he has:
1.) Thrown himself on top of a live grenade to save his platoon.
2.) Single-handedly captured Osama bin Laden.
3.) Taken a bullet to the chest that was miraculously deflected by a Bible presented to him by Sarah at his departure.
5.) Been wounded by an al-Qaida fanatic who shouted, "This one's for you, Uncle Barack!" as he attacked.

Monday, September 15, 2008

"Madam, When We're Done With This Economy, You Won't Recognize It! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck."

The Feds have bailed out Fannie and Freddie, once more demonstrating the unique principle of: Free Enterprise Profits and Socialized Losses.
Huge corporations gouge us consumers for all they can get, and when they screw up they continue paying themselves with our tax dollars. Sweet!
Funny how the folks who foam at the mouth over Socialized Medicine don't bat an eye at Socialized Lending Institutions.

And by the way, can it be that the economy of this mighty nation is really dependent on a "Fannie" and "Freddie"?
Hey, when do Larry and Curly get into the act?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Come On, Joe. Have You Seen the Scrawny Ass on that Chick? No Tits at All.--J.M.

Dear John,
If you were determined to pick an Alaskan woman, why not our semi-attractive, semi-honest senator, Lisa Murkowski?
Of course, being stuck down in Washington with the Foreign Relations, Energy and Natural Resources, Health and Indian Affairs committees has cut into her time for hunting, PTA, and hockey.

Monday, September 8, 2008

"We're Trying to Leave, but the Bastards Keep Attacking Us!"

We've just been subjected to a lot of hot air about "winning" in Iraq.
I know nothing about military strategy. But I am a student of logic, which leads me to ask this one simple question:

How do you win an occupation?

Friday, September 5, 2008

What Was That Sound?

It was John McCain's palm hitting his forehead: "My running-mate is who?"
Now that the smoke and balloons have cleared, he must face the reality that he is preaching change with a woman who doesn't believe in Evolution, and fighting corruption with a governor mired in an ethics scandal.

And the last time she ran as a beauty contestant, she came in second.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Losing Faith

Maybe I should go back to Sunday school.
Okay, hurricanes have been Intelligently Designed to wipe out queers and keep unpopular presidents from appearing at Republican conventions. Fine.
But why couldn't God prevent Bristol Palin's pregnancy or produce a natural disaster to keep Joe Lieberman away?
My faith is being seriously tested.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Wow! A Genuine Woman! And Only 150 Million to Choose From

Choosing Sarah was a clever political move, but it is actually an insult to women voters.
Does John McCain think that American women are so ignorant that they will suddenly disregard the issues and vote for him just because he has a female running-mate?
(As he doesn't believe that women can manage their own reproductive affairs, the answer is fairly obvious.)

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

A Proud Tradition Lives On

Why is anyone shocked at the Republican Party picking Sarah Palin for VP? It seems like a perfectly consistent choice.
After all, these are the people who gave us Spiro Agnew, Dan Quayle, and Dick Cheney.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Continuing as Our Bridge to the 19th Century, Republicans Nominate Annie Oakley for VP

Yes, Sarah Palin is a woman--a woman who doesn't believe in women's reproductive rights, global warming, or Evolution.

On the plus side:
1.) During her term as mayor, Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 4,000), was never attacked by al-Qaida.
2.) Better marksmanship. At last, a vice president who can handle a shotgun.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

"But the Men Who Took Away Your House and Job Were Such Good Christians."

It's election season again and I'm sick of hearing about personal values. When did Americans decide that anyone who goes to church every Sunday and doesn't cheat on his spouse would be a good leader?
I really don't believe that Hitler's clean living habits (he was a non-smoking, non-drinking vegetarian) enhanced his stature as a head of state. Likewise, being a drunken lecher has not kept Ted Kennedy from being a dedicated servant to his constituents. It just doesn't work that way.
If they do their jobs well, I don't care if our next administration is made up of crackheads who have sex with chickens. Look at what a bunch of clean living born-agains have done to this country over the past 8 years.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

And the Boston First-Baseman Who Made that Error in the World Series, and Barry Manilow, and Tanya Harding, and . . .

The presidential race is heating up and so are the smear campaigns. Predictably, the right-wing racist fringe is attacking Obama viciously. It has pointed out that since Barack's one black parent has Islamic ancestry, clearly candidate Obama is responsible for Osama bin Laden. Good thinking.
Obama is half white. Therefore, I guess he is also responsible for Hitler, Jack the Ripper, and Paris Hilton.

Monday, August 25, 2008

" . . . we'll have a barrel of fun!" Now Isn't That Better?

Yes, I watched some of the Olympics. The water polo and badminton kept me on the edge of my seat. But what I really enjoy is the music. I think that national anthems should be judged like the other events. I'd give:
USA: 9.5 for degree of difficulty.
France: 9.6 for artistic merit.
Germany: a perfect 10 for scariness.
Hey Germany, with folks still walking around who will either automatically click their heels or dive under a bed at the sound of "Deutschland uber alles," couldn't you lighten up a bit? How about a polka? Everyone associates Germany with polkas, and who doesn't love a good polka? It might be good PR, and spare some nerves.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Contest! - WIN BIG PRIZES - Contest!

Fun for the Whole Family! Enter as Many Times as You Like--and Win!

RULES: Contest is open to all U.S. citizens, including any Republicans serving the state of Alaska as elected officials who are not currently in prison, under indictment, or facing ethics charges.

CONTEST: Submit the best new name for the Ted Stevens International Airport in Anchorage, Alaska.

GRAND PRIZE: An all-expense-paid evening for two at Skinny Dick's Halfway Inn, located on the Parks Highway midway between Fairbanks and beautiful downtown Nenana.

Don't Delay--Enter Today!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Keep Him Away From The Beach, Too

Big flap currently in Seattle. Mothers are protesting the new wave of drive-thru espresso stands with bikini-clad baristas. They're worried about their impressionable young sons who might be along in the car.
Right. You wouldn't want little Tommy to see a woman in a bathing suit.
What's your kid doing in the car, anyway? He should be home in front of the TV, watching American Gladiator or Ultimate Cage Fighting, so that he will grow up to be a normal, well-adjusted American male.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Guilty or Guilty? . . . GUILTY!

After 7 years of being held without charges, Salim Hamdan has been tried at Guantanamo Bay and convicted--with the condition that if he was acquitted he could still be imprisoned indefinitely.
This is reminiscent of our 17th Century witch trials: A woman would be bound and thrown into a pond. If she drowned, she was innocent. If she floated to the surface, she was guilty of being a witch and was executed.

Friday, August 1, 2008

"And Have These On You At All Times!"

I can't believe that the controversy over sex and drug education is in the news again.
It seems very simple to me. There should be one combined sex and drug education class in our schools, and it should last about one minute.
The teacher holds up a condom in one hand and a joint in the other: "When you want to have sex with someone, use this. When you feel like shooting someone, smoke this. Class dismissed."

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


You may have seen it in the news today--a woman found a Cheeto resembling Christ on the cross.
Some observations:
1.) Given the zillions of Cheetos produced daily, it's hardly surprising that some look like a crucifix--or anything else you could possibly imagine.
2.) Every day at 3:00 am stoners all over the world rip into bags of Cheetos and discover Christ on the cross, Jim Morrison doing the backstroke in a pool of Skittles, Buddha on a pogo stick, and Jerry Garcia floating across the room on a giant paisley. So what else is new!
3.) If someone actually found a Cheeto that was an exact replica of Christ on the cross, what the hell are we supposed to do? Replace Communion wafers with Cheetos? Put Mountain Dew in the Holy Water? Prostrate ourselves before a giant crucifix made of beef jerky?
4.) With the world currently going to shit in 17 different ways, must the media alert us every time someone stumbles out of a trailer with funny looking snack food?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

From a Zero to a Nero

Traditionally, war has been hard on our leaders.
Lincoln and Wilson looked like cadavers. Jovial FDR was somber during the war years. Johnson looked like shit-- aged prematurely by an unpopular war that drove him from office. Even Nixon, who was born looking like shit, suffered.
Then there's Dubya and his cronies: laughing, joking--dancing on TV while young men have their legs blown off, singing while innocents scream in terror.

George W. Bush's incredible ignorance has become a national joke. The world is full of fools.
I find his shallowness as a human being to be more disturbing.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Answer to Trivia Quiz

1.) Adolph Hitler
2.) Ronald Reagan
If you answered correctly, congratulations!
When the moon is in Virgo with Leo ascending, your check will be in the mail.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Trivia Quiz

What two 20th Century world leaders based many of their decisions on astrology?

Monday, July 21, 2008


Give a man a fish, he has a meal.
Teach a man to fish, you can open a sporting goods store and sell him a bunch of useless crap he doesn't really need for the rest of his life.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Happy Birthday!

On this day, 63 years ago, the first atom bomb was tested in the New Mexico desert. After only one month we tried it out on real people.
Maybe the big pharmaceutical companies can take a cue from this daring gamble, and reduce their own lag time between the test lab and human application.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Expressing Yourself

I usually use the Express Line at the supermarket, though it rarely saves me time. Invariably, I get behind the one person in the store who has figured out how to spend 15 minutes purchasing a loaf of bread and a quart of milk. Recently, I was trapped behind a young man who, with 8 people in line behind him, waited for the cashier to tally up his items and then strolled over to an ATM machine for the cash to pay her. That was a new one. I can only assume that he was competing for "Asshole of the Year" and needed one more point. More often I am behind: tourists with enormous wads of foreign money; lost souls with sacks of loose change; sketchy-looking characters with checks that their mothers wouldn't accept; and once, a monumentally confused individual who tried buying his groceries with first a Social Security check and then his rent receipt.
That's why we need the SERIOUS EXPRESS LINE. Here you could do exactly 3 things: 1.) Deposit your items 2.) Present an appropriate amount of U.S. currency 3.) Take your change and groceries, and leave. Period. The slightest deviation from this process would result in the cashier pulling a lever that would drop the shopper through a trap door in the floor. Next!
So where does the person go after being dropped through the floor?
Who cares!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Advice (Free!)

Be yourself, but only up to a point.
Don't believe everything you think.

Friday, July 11, 2008

500 Pound Enchilada

McCain has just returned from Mexico, and, of course, he has a solution for the "Mexico Problem." So does Obama-- as did Carter, Reagan, Clinton, the Bushes.
Ah yes, the Mexico Problem. Talk about the 500 pound enchilada sitting right in the middle of the table that no one wants to see!
Mexico, like Canada, has abundant resources and a border with the world's wealthiest nation. It also has a year-round growing season and warm, sandy beaches. So how come Canada prospers and Mexico remains largely a third-world crap pit?
Let me take a wild, crazy guess. Do you think that maybe, just maybe, it's because Canada has a real government and Mexico is run by a gang of thugs?

It would be refreshing if McCain or Obama would at least acknowledge the obvious problem, instead of continuing to blindly support the ruthless, greedy criminals that rob Mexico of its potential.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Birthday Poem

Life is just a liquid

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Mission . . .

Let's see now: Enormous tax breaks and environmental loopholes for oil companies, the takeover of one of the world's most oil-rich nations, obscene oil-company profits at the expense of consumers . . .
Remember back 8 years ago when some of us were worried about turning the country over to 2 men heavily connected to the oil industry? Remember that some paranoid citizens were even concerned about Bush's love affair with the Saudis?
Now, let me tweak your memory once more:
Remember that huge banner stretched across the aircraft carrier that Dubya landed on?

Monday, July 7, 2008

"USA Takes Gold Medal in Cherry, Silver in Lime!"

I am heartened to see that beach volleyball is included in this year's Olympics.
Maybe in another 4 years, Jello-wrestling will finally be given the respect it deserves.

Monday, June 30, 2008

"Good Morning, We're Here to Spread the Good News About Pornography!"

Just listened to a well-known evangelist go on and on about how we are being "bombarded with pornography."
Funny, but I've never answered the door on a Sunday morning and faced a family of strangers trying to sell me porn. I've never checked into a hotel and found that a national organization has left porn in the nightstand. Two pages of my twenty-page local newspaper, and two out of three of my local TV stations have not yet been devoted to porn once a week. I've never walked through an American town and found the landscape dominated by enormous pornographic symbols, erected on tax-exempt property.

We are being bombarded in this country, and it sure ain't with porn.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Rough Night

Couldn't sleep last night, so what I did was:
I tried averaging together the largest celestial body with the smallest sub-atomic particle. If you do this just right (pick the right objects), you can end up with something between 5 and 6 feet long, weighing between 100 and 200 pounds.
But you have to do it just right. If you change either number by a zillionth of a percent, you end up with something 12,000 miles long, weighing a trillion pounds.
Still, it's an interesting idea--right? . . . Isn't it? Huh?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Colonel Sanders Advances On General Tso

There are 2,000 KFC's in China and more are being built daily. They can't get enough of that stuff over there.
The Colonel's formula (steaming the last possible remaining flavor out of an already flavorless, chemical-infused bird; encasing the meat in a glop of sugar, starch, fat, and more chemicals; sealing the meal in a bucket to keep the coating soggy and saturated with grease) must seem very exotic to the Chinese.
After centuries of developing a cuisine that includes thousands of ways to prepare chicken, this is apparently the only one they never thought of

Friday, June 20, 2008

Probably a Coincidence

A high percentage of soldiers are returning from Iraq with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Even higher than from Vietnam.
There was not nearly such a high incidence of PTSD in WWII vets, even though they suffered horrors equal to anything on current battlefields. I'm sure that the stoic nature of that generation kept many cases from coming to light. Still, there was relatively little PTSD. My father and three uncles came home from WWII and returned to ordinary lives without becoming alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals, or abusive husbands and fathers.
Of course, these men had the full support of their nation, a distinct enemy, and a cause that they believed was worth fighting for. Our soldiers in recent wars have been denied these benefits--and look at the epidemic of PTSD.
Probably just a coincidence, right?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Answer, My Friend, is Not Blowing in the Wind. It's . . .

Yet again, I turn on the radio and here is someone being touted as the "New Bob Dylan." And yet again, this person sounds remarkably like--Bob Dylan!
Here's a hint for you wannabe New Bob Dylans:
Dylan achieved what he did by being something new. Therefore, for you to be the new Dylan, you'll have to sound like . . . any fucking person in the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD BUT BOB FUCKING DYLAN!!!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A Surge in the War on Marriage!

California has just legalized same-sex marriage. Hundreds of gay couples are lining up to get married.
I hope that the Defense of Marriage people are keeping track of how many hetero couples have instantly withdrawn their marriage license applications, and how many long-time married couples have suddenly filed for divorce.
Here's another statistic I hope they're watching:
"Traditionally," over half of the hetero marriages in this country end in divorce. It will be interesting to see if gay marriages go that way too.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Paradise or Muck--What's the Dif, Brother?

An interesting aspect of the Creation/Evolution debate is that both "theories" lead to the same inescapable conclusion: We all share a common ancestry.
Whether we are descended from Adam and Eve or some one-celled blob that oozed forth out of the primordial muck, our lineages all had to start from a single point. There's really no other way. (Unless you listen to late-night AM radio and believe that we were planted here by a mad scientist or space aliens.)
Like it or not, we're just one big happy family!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Writers Workshop

Lately, writers have been bemoaning the short attention span of the modern reader. They say that it's hurting their craft. I don't agree. Times change, and learning to write more succinctly might be a good thing.
There will always be ponderous best-sellers for people who read just to kill time. But I keep encountering "serious writing" that would be improved by some judicious editing. Many of the 20-page short stories that I read would have greater impact as more carefully written 10-page stories. Most of the poetry I read would be better off having never been written at all. (My poet friends are always wringing their hands and asking How can we get more people to read poetry? The answer is simple: Write better poetry! Have you seen some of the crap out there? Don't get me started!)
I apologize for the length of this entry--I didn't have time to write a shorter one.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


We Americans are very concerned with democracy. Curiously, I find that most people's idea of an ideal democracy would be a country run by an iron-fisted dictator who thinks exactly as they do.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Leap of Faith

One of the great ironies of the modern world is that it is rapidly requiring a greater "leap of faith" to believe in science than religion. Strangely, I have no trouble accepting the science, but I still reject religion.
I am told that this seemingly solid desk I'm writing on is composed mostly of empty space with some invisible, variously charged particles randomly whizzing around. This sounds ridiculous and is contrary to what I perceive with my senses. But I believe it. The Big Bang, black holes, unseen dimensions, and anti-matter are even stranger ideas--but they are part of modern science and I believe in them too. The ultimate nature of reality as described by Einstein, Hawking, and other physicists features concepts as fantastic as the parting of the Red Sea or any other miracle in the Bible. Still, I am able to make the leap and accept these scientific principles--while dismissing Biblical stories as mere fairy tales.
Maybe it's the personnel.
Watching Stephen Hawking slumped over in his wheelchair, I am more willing to accept his mind-numbing idea of a 13-dimensional universe than anything coming from a big-haired televangelist wearing a $5,000 suit and a Rolex watch.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Keeping America Safe for Drunks, Gamblers, and Hookers

Had a chat with a conservative friend last night. He's worried that the upcoming election will bring us "socialized medicine." I explained that many institutions in this country are already socialized--but only the important ones. Ever notice the federal seal on a liquor bottle? How about gambling--it's only legal where it's run by the government. Some parts of Nevada allow prostitution--if overseen by the government.
So there it is: Socialized booze, betting, and hookers, and free enterprise medicine--we wouldn't want this socialization thing to get out of hand.
Just be careful. If you haven't paid your protection money to one of the insurance gangs, watch out when you stumble drunk on wholesome whiskey between a certified healthy whorehouse and a certified honest casino. If you get injured, buddy, you're on your own.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Twain Spinning

I'm a big Mark Twain fan. Incredibly, in my lifetime, I've seen his masterpiece, "Huckleberry Finn," banned twice: Once by white fools, now by black fools. As a man who suffered no fools gladly, Twain's got to be spinning.
Growing up, I watched white racists remove "HF" from my school library. They did not like the novel's message of racial equality.
Now, I turn on my radio and here's some black "leaders" banning "HF" because it contains the "n-word." Never mind the book's historical significance as the first major literary work denouncing white-on-black racism. Never mind that the equality of blacks and whites is the entire premise of the book!
Here's my question for these supposedly concerned citizens:
If I proclaimed "Anyone saying n----- should be jailed," would that make me a racist? After all, I used that word.
It's a real testimony to Twain's genius that he could come up with a book rejected by both the KKK and the NAACP. He's got to be spinning!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Maybe Dubya Heard that Camels are "Ships of the Desert"

In its latest mugging of the American taxpayer, the Bush administration has requested $75 billion to buy submarines for the war on terrorism. That's right, submarines! It's comforting to know that Washington is not taking the threat of al-Qaida's cave-based naval fleet lightly.
Here's an idea: Why not just give $75 billion to Dubya's industrialist buddies and spare the rest of us this insult to our intelligence.

Another $75 billion diverted from our schools, hospitals, and infrastructure--and people still wonder why al-Qaida hasn't bothered to attack us again since 9/11.
Here's a tip for the military hunting Osama bin Laden: Beam your SONAR on those mountains and listen for the cave echoing with laughter.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Just kidding!

To those who responded to my last entries, I was just kidding! My distaste for auto racing was greatly exaggerated. Actually, stock car racing is my 3rd favorite thing in the world. My 1st two are:
1.) Going to the Pioneers home and watching arteries harden
2.) Going to the zoo and watching monkeys fling shit at each other

By the way, I endorse: neutering anyone who shows up at a Monster-Wheel Truck Rodeo, executing people who squeal their tires or race their engines on the street, putting a bounty on dirt bikes and jet-skis.

And for those of you urban-dwelling yuppies driving Hummers or huge, muscled-up 4x4 SUVs, here's a tip: Modern medicine is doing wonders these days with penis enlargement. You might want to look into it.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Still Don't Get It

Since my last entry, I've been informed that there is really more to NASCAR than cars going around in a circle.
For instance, there is the Pit Stop. This involves two of my favorite activities: stopping for gas and changing my tires. If I could, I'd get gas and change my tires every day. Makes you wonder why more people don't hang out at gas stations--they could be getting that kind of action all day!
For those of you claiming that it's not just about the crashes, here's a question: What do they show when they show the "highlights"? Let me repeat that: What . . . do . . . they . . . show . . . when . . . they . . . show . . . the . . . highlights?

I try to keep an open mind. Maybe some day I'll come to love stock car racing. Yeah--and maybe some day I'll live in a double-wide with my favorite cousin.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I Just Don't Get It

I will freely admit to possessing some ironclad, gold-plated, chiseled-in-stone, non-negotiable prejudices. Here is one of them:
I Detest Auto Racing.
The recent elevation of NASCAR to the status of mainstream entertainment has fueled by belief in the erosion of the American intellect. That and the election of George W. Bush. Of course, it's no surprise that people entertained by loud, shiny things going around in a circle would choose Dubya to be their president.
A friend once took me to a live race in the hope of curing my prejudice. This only deepened it. Without the overview provided by TV, there was even less to see--just an occasional car whizzing by. Period. Somehow, this rewarding experience was not enhanced by the introduction of choking fumes, ear-splitting noise, and the spectre of 10,000 drunken rednecks in the same place at the same time.
I just don't get it.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Acid in the Holy Water?

The Official Vatican Astronomer(!) has just proclaimed that it's okay to believe in life on other planets.
Thank you.
Then, employing a theological calculus as baroque as any ornament in the Papal Palace, the Official Vatican Astronomer announced that inhabitants of other worlds might be free of Original Sin.
This has left me wondering:
Is there an Official Vatican Drug Connection?

Friday, May 16, 2008

It Pays to Think Big

While strolling on the beach today, I met a "squatter" who is literally living in a hole in the ground. His home is a small cave dug into a hillside, furnished with scraps of discarded pallet wood and rusty sheet metal. He proudly informed me that by living this way he is saving $700.00 a month.
I accused him of thinking small. Why not move down to Seattle and live in a hole in the ground there? Given the high cost of apartments in that town, he could probably find a neighborhood to not live in that would save him $1500.00 a month. Why not save some real money?
Usually I don't like to give out advice, but it has always disturbed me to see someone not living up to his full potential.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

For a Photo of Mr. Barr, See "H" in the Encyclopedia

Bob Barr, former congressman from Georgia, is running for president as a Libertarian.
You may remember Rep. Barr from a few years back when he was foaming at the mouth with righteous indignation (if a camera was handy) over the twin evils of abortion and Bill Clinton's marital infidelity--until he was discovered financing an abortion for his mistress.
Talk about a Perfect Storm of Hypocrisy!
If the Libertarian Party is attempting the seemingly impossible task of providing this suffering nation with a leader more disgraceful than George Bush, they just may have found their man.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Our Connecticut Cowboy

Thinking back upon the 8-year disaster known as George W. Bush, several things amaze me. Among them is: How did a man born into one of the wealthiest, most privileged families in the country spin himself into a blue-collar hero. (I have never worked alongside a fellow carpenter who owned a 1,500 acre ranch or a seaside "family compound" in Maine. Where's your family compound?) I've also never worked with anyone who was a Yale cheerleader. (Now there's something to be chiseled in stone at the George W. Bush Presidential Library: First college cheerleader to become president.) So, how did a frat boy you'd wanna go on spring break with become a good ol' boy you'd wanna go have a beer with?
Send your e-mail address and $5.00 to
Joe Karson, 203 W. 3rd ST., #D, Juneau, Ak. 99801 to receive "BASS MAN"--my humorous and insightful essay on Dubya and his relation to contemporary American society. $10.00 for a signed hard copy.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

No Airline Bargains?

I just looked up the price for a flight from Juneau to Anchorage, and was happy to see my computer light up with $250.00 in huge, boldface print. Yes! This is fairly reasonable. Of course, if you want to actually get on a plane and fly to Anchorage, that's gonna cost you $330.00 (small print). You see, there is an additional fee for purchasing the ticket.
So, let's break this down:
Flying to Anchorage with a purchased ticket . . . . . $330.00
Staying in Juneau with an un-purchased ticket . . . $250.00
Difference in price . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .$80.00
All right! By keeping the price of not leaving Juneau so low, Alaska Airlines is allowing me to fly to Anchorage for a mere $80.00. Talk about a bargain! Given the cost of living in Juneau, if I don't fly to Anchorage on Alaska Airlines I'm losing money.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Hard to be Concentrationing When the Shine is Sunning

Nothing to report today but my spring fever. A sunny day at last!
Outside my window flowers are blooming, birds are chirping, the willows are pussying.
Pardon me for succumbing to this current fad for transforming parts of speech, but if "disconnect" can be a noun, "pussy" can be a verb."

Monday, May 5, 2008

How to Correctly Serenade Your Bitch

Sorry to bring up again my distaste for current pop music, but I can't help it. It's like an itch I love to scratch.
Recently I went through a Rolling Stone from a couple years back and found that two of the best-selling singles of the day were: "Date Rape" and "Me and My Bitch." (I am not making this up!) Apparently, these are contemporary love songs.
Of these two songs, I find the latter to be most troubling. Couldn't it be "My Bitch and I"?
If we are going to raise a generation of men that refers to women as "bitches," can't it at least do so in a grammatically correct fashion?

Friday, May 2, 2008

Such a Deal!

Although they have been victimized by the most ignorant and unjust forms of racial stereotyping, I can't help noting that:
The Jews may have actually pulled off the greatest deal in all of history--they sold the world Christianity, then didn't buy any themselves.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Why I Shop

Sometimes I amuse myself at the supermarket by looking for the most ridiculous items I can find. Here's a couple new ones:
1.) 3 brands of ORGANIC DOG FOOD. Well, it's about time! I'd hate to think that animals capable of eating shit or their own young were being subjected to impure food. (By the way--if you've noticed your dog wearing a veil or a skull cap, you'll be pleased to know that these organic dog foods also comply with the dietary laws of both Muslims and Jews.)
2.) SWANSON'S FROZEN WIENER&BEAN DINNER. What a deal! Why invest 50 cents and 10 minutes on a wiener&bean dinner when you can have the same thing for $4.79 in one hour (15 minutes pre-heat, 45 minutes cooking time.)
I've been thinking of staking out the frozen food aisle and watching for folks who buy this item--I have some waterfront property in Fairbanks they might be interested in.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Natural Contrariness

Have you noticed that everything at the grocery store is suddenly "natural." (Maybe this is as it should be. Isn't everything in the world natural? Are there any supernatural products? Any products conceived through alchemy, witchcraft, or delivered via black holes or warps in space/time?)
And how the hell do they get away with capping ingredient lists with: "and natural ingredients." Doesn't this trivialize everything else on the list? Rat shit, roach wings, crude oil, and 'possum piss are all perfectly natural ingredients--I don't think I'd want them in my food.
Yesterday at the health food store I encountered NATURAL OREO COOKIES.
The Oreo Cookie as it occurs in Nature? I wonder: Do they mine those things or pick them?
And is a natural shampoo any more natural than greasy hair? And . . . God, don't get me started!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

What a Week! The Pope and One Awesome Deal!

Nice of the Pope to drop by for a visit this week. As Popes go, he seems like a decent sort--especially when you consider that he was raised in Nazi Germany and has never been laid.
(By the way, the Catholic Church never intended celibacy for its priests, only that they refrain from marriage. During the Middle Ages the Church was acquiring great wealth and property, and did not want wives claiming "halfsies" or children inheriting a piece of the action).
While we're on the subject:
To receive my short story "Conclave", a lighthearted tale set in the Vatican, send your e-mail address and $5.00 (one stinkinking cocktail!) or $10.00 for a signed(!) hard copy or disk to:
Joe Karson
203 W. 3rd St. #D
Juneau, Alaska 99801
--Satisfaction guaranteed!-Hurry while supplies last!-Tell a friend!--

Monday, April 21, 2008

And How About That 40-Day Rain Delay!

It's baseball season, at last. I'm a big fan.
Apparently, so were the folks who wrote the Bible:
In the big-inning God created heaven and earth (yeah, that's a big one) . . . and on the seventh day He rested (the seventh inning he stretched).
Now tell me baseball isn't important!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A Modest Proposal

Our country still maintains a nuclear arsenal capable of blowing up the inhabited world one hundred times. As a patriotic American, this fills me with pride.
Still, with a presidential election on the horizon, I would like to offer a modest proposal to those seeking our highest office:
Would it be possible to reduce this stockpile to a level capable of destroying the world only fifty times and put the savings into a national health-care plan?
I realize that this is a radical idea. Please believe me, I am no extremist or whining malcontent. I am not a Communist, a terrorist, nor a vegetarian.
I am just a simple American taxpayer who dreams of a world he can blow up fifty times while still being able to see a dentist.
Thank you.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Sole Music

Ever wake up humming some stupid jingle? Find yourself walking along, singing a song you detest?
I am constantly struck by the similarity between hearing bad music and stepping in shit--you pick the stuff up by accident, then can't get rid of it.
Lately, I feel as though I'm walking through the musical countryside in Vibram-soled boots.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Another Season of Rhyme Without Reason

I thought it would pass. But surfing the AM dial, I still keep hearing songs that seem to have abandoned every traditional element of that art form except rhyme.
Here's a question I'd like to ask the artists responsible for these songs:
What if you were suddenly transported to a land whose language lacked the trivial quality of having some words that sound alike-- would that mean that you were no longer an artist?

Monday, April 7, 2008

"That's the one we're looking for!"

I'm trying to concentrate on work but here's what I'm thinking:
When I cut a board once, I get two pieces. When I cut it twice, I get three. Three, four. Four, five... etc.
So, if I cut a board (a very long one) an infinite number of times, I will get an infinite number of pieces--plus one!
Now that is one very special piece of wood.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Unjust Desserts

Nov. 3, 1953, White Horse Tavern, New York City:
Dylan Thomas ate a cheeseburger with french fries and a large helping of apple pie a la mode, then drank 18 straight shots of Irish whiskey and dropped dead.
Once again, the dangers of overindulgence can be seen.
Had he skipped the pie, the great Welsh writer might still be with us today.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Price of Rice Up 30%: The Surge is Working!

A potent new weapon has been added to the War on Humanity: biofuel.
Rather than burn a foul, smelly liquid of no use to impoverished third-worlders, we will now burn grain in our cars.
Some new hybrid vehicles are already reporting 20 MPL (miles per loaf).
It has been deternined that collateral damage--destruction of the planet's rivers, oceans, forests, farmlands and climate, and the spread of worldwide famine--should have little impact on the U.S. consumer.

Friday, March 28, 2008

I'll Try Anything You Can't Name

Okay, we all know what went on in Sodom. But how about Gamorrah? Have you ever heard of anyone committing gamorrahy or being gamorrahized? Me neither. Did the citizens of Gamorrah lend their name to an act so unspeakable that for millennia it has remained unspoken? Stay tuned--I intend on looking into this.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Give That Woman a Hand!

Through the ages much attention has been paid to the female form. Here are the vital statistics for one of history's most famous women, Venus de Milo:
Bust-34 3/4"
Waist-28 1/2"
Calf-13 1/2"
Ankle-8 1/2"
Apparently, Venus adhered to the sound advice of "Neither a centerfold nor a fashion model be." Having lived through an era when vomitoria were popular, she should be applauded for maintaining a sensible waistline. I hope that she will serve as an inspiration for the modern woman.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

An Economics Lesson

The Federal Reserve has just saved the day by pumping $30 billion of our dollars into another bail-out.
If the Feds spend $30 billion to rescue a financial institution mismanaged by$50-million/year executives, that's C-A-P-I-T-A-L-I-S-M.
If the Feds pick up the tab for your flu shot, that's S-O-C-I-A-L-I-S-M.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

War on Terrorism Over, WE WIN!

Regarding John McCain's decision to stay in Iraq for a hundred years:
Congratulations! Finally, someone with the guts to devise a plan that will ensure the death of Osama bin Laden.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Clothes Unmake the Man?

Some people have made an issue of the photos showing Barack Obama in African garb. Would these same people be upset by a candidate of Scottish descent wearing a kilt?

Friday, March 21, 2008

Room in the Louvre for Dogs Playing Poker?

Patrons of the arts:
Please try to occasionally buy a bad painting. If there had been more support for Hitler's earlier career, the world could have been saved some trouble.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Seeds of Compassion

I have just read about families in India that subsist entirely on the undigested seeds they remove from cow shit in the streets.
This is appalling!
I urge all patriotic Americans to write Washington and demand that our country's excess cow shit be immediately airlifted to India.
Such an act of compassion might serve to enhance our currently tarnished global image. It certainly would not be inconsistent with U.S. foreign policy.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

"Abdul, pass Hymie those beans"

Anthropologists have informed us of a universal taboo. There is no, nor has there ever been, a society that condones farting at the dinner table. (In the era when well-mannered Europeans picked lice from the bodies of fellow diners, it was still considered bad form to let one rip during a meal).
I find this very heartening. Perhaps if Arabs and Jews, Serbs and Albanians, Greeks and Turks could sit down together for a fartless meal they would realize that they are not so different from one another. This "First Supper" could fuel the journey toward world peace.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Welcome to Heaven, Here's Your Penis

Some possible rewards for female Muslim martyrs:
1. Nothing. After all, they're just women.
2. The supreme reward: transformation into a man. Upon entry into heaven, the female martyr is issued a penis and forty-two virgins to ravage.
3. Admission to the heaven of a non-sexist religion-- oh, that's right, there aren't any non-sexist religions.
4. Perhaps the true reward is simply release from the earthly bounds of a society that punishes rape victims and includes male-dominated sexual mayhem in its vision of heaven.

Friday, March 14, 2008

A Weighty Theological Question

Male jihadist martyrs are rewarded in heaven with a multitude of virgins. Lately, many of the Muslim suicide-martyrs have been women. What is their heavenly reward?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Father Theresa

Ever wonder why a Catholic woman can become a saint but not a priest?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Debating Reality

The current "debate" over water-boarding has brought up an interesting point. We Americans are so committed to Democracy that many of us have accepted the strange notion that every issue has two sides. Unfortunately, reality is not democratic. The facts of life in this world are independent of our polls and debates. Five centuries ago, the majority of people on our planet would have voted that it was flat. This did not make The Earth any less round.
Cleverly, our government has taken this myth of a two-sided reality and used it to obscure its illegal use of torture. Water-boarding is torture. It is a classic form of torture, which is why it has a name. The procedure has been documented back to the Middle Ages and its use is worldwide. The U.S. Government was caught advocating torture and the sham debate over water-boarding has only increased the embarrassment. It is as if we were debating whether there is a Pacific Ocean or whether two plus two equals four while the whole world watches.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Simulated Torture

Here's a question for President Bush and those who support his views on torture: Sometimes a prisoner subjected to the "simulated drowning" of water-boarding dies-- is this a "simulated death"?