Sunday, May 30, 2010

Speaking Of Missing Links . . . .

My God--it's alive! Alaska's lone congressman, Republican Don Young, has surfaced. Don rarely bothers to show up on the House floor, and rarely speaks unless he sees a campaign opportunity. The Big Oil stooge and outspoken gay-basher has suddenly chosen to enlighten us with his views on a couple of contemporary issues. He has informed us that:
--The decision to halt off-shore drilling in the arctic is part of an Obama-backed liberal conspiracy.
--Homosexuals should be denied some of the rights enjoyed by others.
Thanks, Don.
Hopefully, Rep. Young saw his shadow and will crawl back into the 19th Century for another 6 months.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Anthropologist Discovers "Missing Link"--While Shaving

I wonder if Dr. Venter, while he is creating new life forms, could put together something with an opposable thumb and a large brain immune to thoughts of cruelty and mayhem.

Anthropologists have been searching a long time for the "missing link"-- the intermediary creature between animal and man. They may have overlooked one obvious site: the mirror.
It has often occurred to me that scientists are unable to find a missing link because we are the missing link. I think it is quite possible that future anthropologists will look back at the current version of Homo sapiens and see us as something clearly separate from "lower" animals, but still falling short of what a true human being would be.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Tricky Footwork, But I Think Our Athletic President Can Manage It

Among the lessons of the Exxon Valdez disaster--such as, the technology to seal off catastrophic oil leaks does not exist--there is this:
BP will do whatever it can to screw the Gulf Coast out of reparations. It has already started.

20 years after the Prince William Sound spill, there are people here still waiting for their money. Exxon has used every legal loophole available to stall on its payments--and the strategy has worked. Many who were owed money have died. Many have settled for lesser sums. Many, out of frustration, have simply given up and moved on.
If Obama has one "boot on the neck of BP" to keep them working on the leak, he better have the other one up its ass to make sure that the folks down on the Gulf get what they have coming.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

What's To Ask, What's To Tell? Everyone Is In--If You Break The Law, You're Out. Sheeeeeeeesh!

I can't believe that the "problem" of gays in the military is being debated again. This is a total non-issue. It's already handled. Completely.
-Is it illegal to be gay. No.
-Is sexual harrassment--including harrassment of a straight soldier by a gay soldier, or harrassment of a gay soldier by a straight soldier--legal? No.
That's it. All we need. Over. Done. Finished. Period. End of story. Good-bye. Move on.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

She Has Nothing To Hide

It's been a week of shocking revelations from our ex-governor. Based on her public statements, it turns out that the originator of "Drill, baby, drill!" who has proclaimed global warming "a farce," and whose family was supported by BP for 18 years is actually an environmentalist.
Now, this Fundamentalist, "pro-life" former beauty contestant who opposes all forms of contraception and who would deny abortion in cases of rape and incest, and who supports only abstinence-based sex ed. has declared herself a feminist.
I can only assume that if Ms. Palin were addressing PETA she would be a vegan, if addressing OPEC she would be a Muslim, and she would address the NAACP in black-face.
I'm sure that the tabloids are anxiously awaiting her address to the American Nudist Society.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Just A Matter Of Time Before He Invades Canada And Delares War On England And France

The Neo-Cons' blind, irrational hatred of Obama is so extreme that nothing they say shocks me anymore. In a recent speech, Newt Gingrich jumped on the "Obama as Fascist" bandwagon by comparing the president to Hitler.
Come on, Newt:
1. Hitler was a vegetarian--Obama eats meat
2. Hitler hated tobacco--Obama smokes
3. Hitler was a teetotaler-- Obama drinks beer
4. Hitler loved cake and pastry--Obama favors pie
5. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
6. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Holy shit-- it's incredible! Except for these few important differences, the two men are practically indistinguishable.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Broomstick Is Passed

Move over, Sarah, Lisa is making her bid to be the new Wicked Witch of the North. Lisa Murkowski, Alaska's Republican senator who I once considered a moderate, has become a total shill for the Big Oil and Big Coal lobbies. She is currently waging a one-woman, tooth-and-nail campaign to amend the Clean Air Act. If her resolution passes, the EPA would be blocked from enforcing hard-won anti-pollution rules upon the nation's biggest polluters.
As we face our biggest environmental disaster ever, it seems hard to believe that any legislator would take such a stand. This is just another example of how far to the right even moderate Republicans now feel they have to move in order to be re-elected.
Hopefully, there will be enough votes in the Senate to stop Lisa.
And hopefully there will be enough voters in Alaska, come next election, to throw water or drop a house on our Republican senator.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

CSI: Gulf Of Mexico. The Show Where Criminals Are In Charge Of Solving Their Own Crimes

Call me naive, but after intentionally underestimating the amount of oil escaping from its damaged well, do you think that BP would exaggerate the effectiveness of its clean-up?

Maybe it's time for other people to be running things down there.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

It's Corrupt World Leaders Dine At The White House For Free Month--Pick Up A Coupon Today!

Jesus! First Karzai, then the spectacle of Obama wining and dining Felipe Calderon. A parade and state dinner? If it were up to me, President Calderon would have been strip-searched at the border, spun around and told to come back when he's running a government that isn't just another street gang.

Of course, we have to kiss Calderon's ass because he provides our country with one very important commodity--a peasant class. Without cheap Mexican labor, on both sides of the border, we would never be able to compete economically with the Chinese, who have their own indigenous peasants.
This arrangement is disgraceful enough without embracing Mexico's crooked leader as if he were a hero. And by the way, Felipe: Yes, many of your countrymen are given shabby treatment here. But would they be streaming north if they weren't treated worse at home?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear God:

It looks like You have a busy year coming up.

Glenn Beck will be holding a rally this August at the Lincoln Memorial where he will unleash "The Plan"--his new agenda for America that You have personally revealed to him.

In November, Sarah Palin will release her new book explaining how You inspired her to . . . raise a family of juvenile delinquents, sabotage a presidential campaign, and abandon a governorship to make some big bucks.

I know that Your ways are mysterious, but I can't help asking: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?

Your humble servant,

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Quitter Ex-Gov. Jilts Alaskans Again

Sarah Palin has taken time out from her busy schedule of promoting God, Rupert Murdoch, and John McCain to endorse Arizona's new racist immigration law: "We're all Arizonans now!"
No, Sarah, some of us are still Americans.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

More At Risk Than Just Fish

With all our concern for the environmental disaster, it's been easy to forget the 11 men killed in the BP oil-rig explosion--an explosion that occurred while the well was undergoing a procedure by Halliburton. It turns out that Halliburton has a record of several such screw-ups, including an explosion last year that caused a huge spill in the Timor Sea.
Halliburton, of course, is notorious as the corporation once run by Dick Cheney--who lied to the world to start a war, who sent insufficient and ill-equipped American troops into battle and refused to provide decent care for our casualties, who allowed the indefinite jailing of mere suspects, and who condoned torture.
I ask myself: If I were an oil worker, would I want to entrust my life to a corporation tied to a man with such an incredibly low regard for other people's lives?

Monday, May 17, 2010

George Bush Handing Out Oil-Rig Permits. What Could Go Wrong There?

Well, Obama has finally man-upped and lashed out at "the cozy relationship between oil companies and the government agencies that regulate them." Thank you.
I wonder if the country being run for 8 years by 2 men in the oil business has had anything to do with that relationship. No, that couldn't be.

I said that the best show in D.C. is the Palin supporters taking Kagan to task. I believe that this has been surpassed by the spectacle of former "Drill baby drill" legislators grilling oil executives over the BP spill.
Look: These executives consider oil spills to be an acceptable part of the business. Their accountants have statistical estimates on the frequency of major oil spills (that have been remarkably accurate!), and the cost of clean-ups is factored into the price you pay for gas at the pump.
The risks of drilling for oil are well established. If we drill, there will be spills. Period.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Maybe We Should Pray For The Prayers To Die, But Then They'd Have To Pray For Us To Die, And Then We'd Have To . . . Ah, Fuck It!

Of all the right-wing assclowns, some of my favorites have to be the good citizens praying for Obama's death. They seek divine intervention to free America from either the president's fascist or communist agenda, depending on which of these terms they don't understand.
I truly support the death-prayers, as they are making the country safer. Every second these incredible fools spend at home or in church praying is time that they are not out among the rest of us doing . . . ANYTHING.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

BP Announces That "Real Solutions Do Exist"--Then Turns To Homer Simpson For A Daring New Plan

How many times will we fall for the same con? It seems like the Exxon-Valdez disaster would have proved that there is no technology for stopping catastrophic oil spills. Yet here we are, watching the Gulf fill with oil while BP tries to invent the wheel. Next on their desperate agenda is Plan C: The Junk Shot. This will be an attempt to clog the gushing well with waste debris, including "shredded tires and rags."

Amazing. We have the technology to let a soldier sitting at a computer in Nevada push a button and kill someone driving down a dirt road in the middle of Afghanistan. We spend billions every year to maintain the world's largest nuclear arsenal and a missile defense system so advanced it doesn't even work.
For saving the environment and the livelihood of thousands of Americans, we have "shredded tires and rags."

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Another Wise-Ass With Degrees From Oxford And Harvard--She Probably Believes In Evolution

One of the best sideshows in Washington, right now, has got to be watching the people who supported Sarah Palin for vice president question the competence of Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Attorney General Holder: You Have The Right To Remain Silent . . . Please.

It's hard to believe that a member of Obama's administration would consider diminishing our civil liberties with an amendment to Miranda.
The true test of an open society is how well it maintains its values while under attack.
If we are waging a War on Terrorism, why hand the enemy such an easy victory?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Assault Without Battery

Last evening, I took advantage of our unusually fine weather and went for what started out as a pleasant stroll. Pleasant until some particularly ferocious-looking bull dog came charging across a lawn at me. As usual, the owner came out and told me, "Don't worry, it won't bite." I always love this! These people seem to think that being threatened and intimidated by snarling beasts (that have been known to kill and maim ) is a pleasant experience. They act as if anything short of being bloodied and hospitalized is okay. It's not.
What I experienced was assault without battery. If a stranger confronted me on the street and threatened me with a knife, he would be arrested for assault. If someone threatens me with a genetically engineered homicidal animal possessing two-inch fangs and Vise-Grip jaws, I'm supposed to laugh it off. Does that seem right?
Those of you who feel the need to own attack dogs (by the way, they are doing wonders with penis enlargement these days), please keep them chained!

Friday, May 7, 2010

I Love White, Christian, Middle-Class Republicans--I Just Wouldn't Want One Moving In Next Door Or Marrying My Daughter

The tea Partyers believe that the federal government should provide for our national defense and little else.
Next time you get a chance, check out a Tea Party rally on your TV or computer. Then ask yourself: Do these really look like the people I'd want in charge of our highways, national parks, public education, EPA, and Medicare?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Smarten Up, Parnell--Or Are You Trying To Get Picked For A Vice-Presidential Running Mate?


Q. What is the one part of our health care system that actually works?
A. Medicare--the one part that is run by the government.

Q. What caused the financial crisis leading to the current recession--too much government control, or too little?

Some things are run best by private enterprise--they should be run by private enterprise.
Some things are run best by the government--they should be run by the government.
Is this really such an outrageous concept?
It's the model for every other successful democracy in the world.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Anyone Consult Rumsfeld Or Cheney Yet?

If all else fails to stop the Gulf oil spill, maybe we should try the Neo-Con solution for national tragedies: BOMB IRAQ!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dear Pat Robertson,

Here's some friendly advice. You blamed Katrina's destruction in New Orleans on the profusion of homosexuality there. Have you ever hung out with Gulf Coast shrimpers, Pat? I have. I wouldn't suggest claiming the same cause for the BP oil spill. At least, not in person.

I blame the persistent Pat Robertson problem on the media. Why do you people keep granting a public forum to someone who is clearly mentally incompetent, insane, or, more than likely, both? Does anyone really give a shit what the man who announced that the Haitian earthquake victims "had it coming" thinks about anything? (That comment, made in January, set the bar for Asshole Of The Year so high that no one else has yet come close.)
Do the world a favor--let the next story you file on Pat Robertson (age 80) be his obituary.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I'd like to thank Sen. McConnell and Rep. Boehner for finally deciding to allow debate on the financial reform bill. How nice of them to stop campaigning and start doing their jobs.
It seems like the least they shoud do to keep all those nice medical benefits they don't want me to have.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Silence Of The Shams

Sarah Palin and her "Drill Baby Drill" supporters have not yet commented on the Louisiana oil spill.
I guess when you're busy dealing with the serious issues of Creationism, Death Panels, Obama's Phony Citizenship, Marxism In Elementary School Textbooks, The Global Warming Conspiracy, Gay Marriage, and The Myth of Racial Profiling, there's not much time left for small potatoes like the nation's worst environmental disaster.