Wednesday, March 18, 2020


Most of the major sports in the U.S. have been shut down, but the Iditarod is still in progress. The "Last Great Race" has me thinking about dogs. Here's a story, from one of my short-story collections, inspired by an experience I had while living in the Alaska interior.

                                                    DOG STORY

Boomer walked through the snow thinking about Suzy. He had been thinking about Suzy all day: those blue eyes with the long, soft lashes and, of course, the tail. Mostly it was the tail--fat and fluffy, just the way Boomer liked them. Suzy had come into heat two days ago and broken the chain that kept her in the dog yard with the other sled dogs. Now she was alone and free up in the hills above the frozen river. She was a wily old bitch and her owner had failed in all his attempts to lure her back. Boomer would have no trouble finding her--just follow the furrow left in the snow by the trailing length of chain and inhale that delicious scent.
    Boomer headed up the hill with his nose down in the furrow. So intent was Boomer in following the trail up to Suzy that he didn't notice the two wolves approaching across the side of the hill. Suddenly there was a new but familiar scent--Boomer looked up at the wolves standing in front of him. One was a large animal and the other young or stunted. They were mangy, sneaky-looking brutes with grinning fangs and tails that arched down between their legs.
    Shit! thought Boomer, just my luck. Boomer was a good-sized, healthy Labrador, and he knew that he had a chance against one wolf in the middle of winter when they were weak from lack of food. These guys looked pretty bad off, but with two, even that small one, there wasn't much hope.
    "Hey, wimp, where you think you're  going?" said the bigger wolf.
    "Wimp," said the smaller one.
    "If you're thinking of visiting that sweet little husky up there you can just forget it--we'll be handling that."
    "Yeah, we'll handle it," repeated the small wolf. He was drooling terribly.
    What a disgusting runt, thought Boomer. If his big friend gives him a turn at all, that fool will probably lock up inside Suzy, and they'll both freeze to death before I can get a little myself.
    "Besides," continued the big wolf, "she's not your type. She's a working girl--from the other side of the tracks, just like us guys." The wolves looked at each other and snickered.
    Boomer hated that old line of crap. He flushed grouse for his master in the fall, he barked when strangers came around. That was work. Boomer growled.
    "Ooh, tough guy! Listen, you better just trot your little housebroken ass home and be thankful we're in a hurry. If you're still around when we finish with the bitch, we're going to kick your butt good. Dipshit!"
    "Dipshit!" said the runt.
    Boomer growled again and took a step toward the little wolf who jumped back. That felt good. But the bigger wolf started coming at him, and there was nothing to do but retreat down the hill. It was humiliating. Boomer gave a last half-hearted growl over his shoulder and headed home.
    Working his way down the hill, Boomer listened to the taunts of the wolves as they swaggered off. "Maybe if you sit up and beg like a good little doggie, your master will give you a biscuit."  "Curl up by your smelly stove and lick yourself!" "Yeah, lick yourself!" "Go fetch a stick, sucker!"
    It was hard to take, but soon Boomer would be back at the cabin, and his rug by the stove was starting to sound pretty good. The boss had shot a moose a few days ago, and if he didn't fuck up for a while, maybe there'd be a bone in it for him.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Waiting For The Master Race To Master Something

There is one thing that most of the clowns marching around with swastikas and playing big bad Nazi have in common--it's about all they know how to do. These are among the most useless people in the country. Learning to do something and excelling at it is difficult. Chanting slogans and hating people is easy.

Considering the disproportionate number of contributions that immigrants and minorities have made to our society, it's easy to see why these losers need a false sense of superiority to feel any self-esteem whatsoever. It's all they've got. When was the last time you saw a play or read a good book by a white supremacist? When was the last time a neo-Nazi painted a masterpiece or cured a disease?

I wonder how many Louis Armstrongs and Langston Hughes' might have been lost to race riots or lynchings, how many budding Gershwins, Einsteins, and Salks perished in Hitlers gas chambers. There will probably always be racists and xenophobes in this country eager to blame anyone different than themselves for their own shortcomings. Me? I'm thankful that we didn't have to wait for the Klan to develop jazz, or for members of the Aryan Nation to discover a polio vaccine and the Theory of Relativity.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

LOGIC

One of the great things about logic is that, like mathematics, it is independent of of the climate, people's opinions, and anything else in the world. It's a useful tool for reducing seemingly complex problems to simple truths:

1. Humans have motives for what they do.
2. Do climate scientists with diverse national, ethnic, religious, and political backgrounds have a motive for creating a global-warming hoax?
3. Do polluting corporations and the politicians they finance have a motive for claiming that global warming is a hoax?

Have a nice day.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Slippery Slope

As a part-time public school teacher, I'd like to thank Secretary DeVos and those members of the Alaska State Legislature who are making the effort to put Creation Theory into our science classes. It's a slippery slope. Keep Creation Theory out of science classes, and before you know it we'll be keeping Stork Theory out of sex education classes.


Friday, March 24, 2017

Still Crushed Under Plymouth Rock

Q. Why is this the only civilized country without universal healthcare?
A. Because it's the only country founded by radical Calvinists, the descendants of whom can't sleep at night for fear that someone might be getting something for nothing. They would rather see millions, including themselves, suffer than allow one single person to scam the system and get something he doesn't deserve.

Okay. This is America, and our Pilgrim legacy demands free-enterprise medicine. No one is gettin' healthcare without payin' for it! But how about this: Instead of paying monthly premiums to useless insurance companies, why not make the payments to your local medical provider? When you're sick, you're taken care of. When you're well, the money goes to nurses' salaries, hospital maintenance, new medical equipment, etc. rather than lining the pockets of this guy:


"Hi, I'm Mark Bartolini. Remember me? I appeared in the Report back on Jan. 4th--check it out. As the CEO of Aetna Health Insurance, I take your hard-earned money and use it to pay myself $48,000.00 per day. Have a nice day--I'm sure I will!"
                                                  

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Sorry, But Here's One More Thing That You MUST Boycott

Given the current administration's disregard for the environment and an emperor lacking both clothes and taste (the presidential palate tends toward the world's most expensive cuts of meat cooked well-done and slathered in ketchup), there is faint hope for an official ban on the twin horrors of farmed and GMO ("Frankenfish") salmon.

It's up to the public at large to BOYCOTT these two species of "salmon." (Alaskans, including women, would be shorn of their beards and plaid shirts before purchasing these abominations.) Despite the threat to the environment, the fishing industry, and consumer health, these products are probably already in your fish store or supermarket. Tell your local fishmonger that you will only buy REAL salmon and that if he insists on selling Frankenfish, he might get a visit from a couple of those guys he's seen on The Deadliest Catch--and, trust me, these are not always guys that you might wish to encounter on dry land.

Like Big Oil, Big Fish doesn't care about the planet or its people. That's why we have to hit these folks in the only place that matters to them--their wallets!

Please, resist the effort to turn salmon into the same tasteless, unhealthy, crap that passes for chicken and beef in most supermarkets. Buy only the REAL THING. If you're not eating wild-caught salmon, you're not eating salmon.

We already have REAL salmon. If genetic engineers want to invent something useful, how about an avocado without the pit or a turkey with more drumsticks-- OR AN AGRI-BUSINESS EXECUTIVE WITH A CONSCIENCE!






Sunday, March 19, 2017

DeVos, Pence, And Sessions: A Holy Trinity For Trashing The Constitution

Mike Pence and Betsy DeVos have been outspoken in their opposition to the strict separation of Church and state established by the U.S. Constitution. They both believe that their religion supersedes the law.

This is troubling enough. But their radical views are shared by Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, the man entrusted with our nation's highest office for--enforcing the law!

Sessions claims that the Establishment Clause in the First Amendment of the Constitution has been "overinterpreted." (The Attorney General speaking in tongues?)  That it is an "extra-constitutional doctrine" and "a recent thing that is unhistorical and unconstitutional."

Really, Jeff? Let's look at some Constitutional doctrine and history:

CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW RESPECTING AN ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION--The U.S Constitution.
"The government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion."--John Adams
"I am for freedom of religion and against all maneuvers to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another."--Thomas Jefferson
"The civil government functions with complete success by the total separation of the Church from the State."--James Madison

Sessions has gone so far as to mix religion with policy by declaring Trump's illegal Muslim ban to be "Biblical."
Mr. Sessions, the test for legality in this country is the Constitution--not the Bible. Upholding the Constitution is your job. If that job conflicts with your religious views, perhaps you would be happier in some other line of work. I'm sure it could be arranged.