Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Okay, Where's My Helmet And Poster Boards? I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit!

According to the White House, these massive new leaks of classified material will "endanger our troops in Afghanistan."
Hey, Barack, do you know what is really endangering our troops in Afghanistan? Being in Afghanistan!

People keep asking: Is Afghanistan Obama's Vietnam? Well, maybe it's time for we the people to make it his Vietnam. The insanity of the Vietnam War ended when Americans stood up to the government and said, ENOUGH.
Incredibly, the government is making the same mistakes again, committing the same atrocities again, telling the same lies again--and now it's time that it met the same resistance again.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Just Give Me A Hard Chair At The Art House With "Casablanca" And A Pepsi

I believe that yesterday was a landmark for me--the last time I'll see a big-time Hollywood movie at a big-time theater.Italic
After my initial shock at the ticket booth, and having my offer to put a down payment on a box of popcorn denied, I was immediately subjected to a big-screen commercial for Coca-Cola--a company whose products I will now boycott forever. I'm supposed to pay for the privilege of watching a multi-national corporation's fucking advertisements?
Next came 2-and-a-half hours of explosions and computer-generated mayhem that added nothing to what might have been a fairly interesting 1-and-a-half-hour movie.
I'd had it.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

A Dilemma?

Health care, education, financial reform, environmental protection, unemployment benefits--and still Obama's approval rating keeps dropping.
Maybe it's time for the president to get behind something Americans actually give a shit about: GUNS.
The next time he addresses the nation, Obama should wear an NRA hat and a T-shirt emblazoned with one of its mindless slogans, a pair of six-guns on his hips.

It would really be fun to find out what Americans are more afraid of: A progressive president, or an armed black man.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The GOP: 150 Proud Years Of Keeping The Rich Rich And The Poor Poor--With Their Own Consent

After weeks of fighting Republican opposition, Obama has finally succeeded in extending UI benefits.
Our conservative legislators maintain that we can't afford the 30 billion that this extension will add to the deficit--while tenaciously supporting the extension of Bush's tax cuts for the nation's wealthiest 5% (which at 60 billion/year has added an estimated 3TRILLION to the deficit.)
Hey, you've got to draw the line somewhere!

The saddest part is that a good percentage of those receiving these hard-won benefits will vote against Obama in the next election because he doesn't belong to the NRA and he favors basketball over recreational machine-gunning.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

To Be Or Not To Be A Candidate, That Is The Question

Sarah has "refudiated" the attacks on her literacy by reminding us that Shakespeare also invented words. With all the drama over Romeo Johnston and her own deflowered Juliet, I guess it's only natural that Alaska's Untamed Shrew would wax Shakespearean.
Now that All's Ended Well in that department, Sarah can devote her full attention to that other Comedy Of Errors--her presidential aspirations.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

A Potential Candidate Not To Be "Misunderestimated"

It can no longer be "refudiated"-- Bristol and Levi are engaged.
Along with Sarah Palin's re-invention of the English language, her welcoming back of Levi is a sure sign that she will run for president.
It is vital to her credentials as a social conservative for Bristol, Levi, and Tripp to be a traditional "nucular" family.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

More Than One Kind Of Tea

I'm not sure what variety of tea the Tea Partyers favor, but I was just at the grocery store and checked out the selection. I noticed that there is a BLACK tea, and a GREEN tea.
Maybe it's time that some other people in this country started having their own tea parties.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Fighting The "N-Word"

To newscasters, reporters, government spokespersons, announcers, DJs, talk-show hosts, celebrities--anyone with access to a microphone (and my ears):
L-E-G-I-T-I-M-A-T-E. Do you see an "N" in there? Webster lists no such word as legitiment.

There's no place like home, there's no rest for the weary, there's no fool like an old fool, and THERE'S NO "N" IN LEGITIMATE.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Your Move Lisa: Replace PTA With NRA? Abolish OSHA? Uniformed Tea Party Youths? Glenn Beck On Mt. Rushmore? Bomb Cuba? Invade . . .

It's really getting to be fun watching Republican candidates in their "More Conservative than Thou" frenzy.
Here in Alaska, once-moderate Lisa Murkowski is being challenged by Tea Party-certified, Joe Miller.
Lisa wants to limit the EPA, Joe wants to abolish it. He also wants to abolish the Dept. of Education, and privatize Social Security and Medicare. He has branded global warming info as "inconclusive" and refuses to reject the conspiracy theories concerning Obama's birth.

Let's see if Lisa can rise to the challenge.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Argentina Out Of The Closet Before Us? ARGENTINA?

Give me a fucking break! If the macho, crypto-fascist Catholics of Argentina can accept gay marriage . . .

Will we ever crawl out from the shadow of the intolerant, Puritan perverts that first settled this country?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

She'd Be On The No-Fly List

We have armed militias training for war with the Feds, Tea Partiers holding anti-government rallies, televangelists threatening damnation for supporters of the president, skinheads inciting mayhem.
What do all these people have in common? They are almost exclusively white Christians.
I wonder: Would these clowns be tolerated as much if they were black or Muslim?

As with the countries we invade, it's amazing how tolerant we are of people who look like the majority of us, and how hard we are on those who don't.

If Osama bin Laden were hiding in France, would we bomb Paris?
If the "terrorists" we've captured were Methodists, would they have been water-boarded?
If Sarah Palin gave one of her typical Tea Party speeches in a burka . . .

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Maybe He Should Try His Hand At Being A Cracker, A Yokel, Or An Okie

Wasilla Update or "As the Trailer Turns":
With his career as a porn star gone limp, Levi Johnston now admits to fibbing about the Palins and has been reunited with them at the family home.
It's surprising that Johnston, who has used his unique communication skills to describe himself to the press as "a fucking redneck," was not a bigger success in the Lower 48--I understand that what they need down there is more rednecks.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Newest Marvel Of The 21st Century--A Telegraph Right In Your Pocket

To the people who insist on sending me text messages: That device you texted me with? IT'S A PHONE!
It also has dots and dashes on the keyboard. If you and your friends really have so much time on your hands, why don't you send each other messages in Morse Code?

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Some Good News From America's Number One Coal-Hugger

Coal-hugging extremist, Lisa Murkowski, has announced that the $300,000 she just received from various electric utility companies will not influence her voting in the Senate. Well, that's certainly a relief! Best news for Alaskan environmentalists since Exxon assured us that its tankers were perfectly safe.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Drive A Goddamn Tank If You Want--But PAY For It

This is some serious wishful thinking, but one solution to our automobile problems might be Graduated Gasoline Pricing.
For instance: If you drive a SUV in Manhattan, you pay $50/gallon; $10/gallon for driving a sensible compact. If you were a rancher in Montana, needing to drive long distances and dependent on your vehicle for work, you would pay $5/gallon.

Why should we all suffer because of the idiot who feels the need to drive a Hummer from his townhouse to his office?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"I Know You're Hungry, But Our Millionaire Senator Needs To Be Re-Elected"

The battle rages over the president's plan for more spending to stimulate the economy vs. the Republican plan for more cut-backs to reduce the deficit.
The historical precedent favors spending (FDR during The Great Depression), but high unemployment can sure make the opposition party look good in the polls.

Once more, American workers would be sacrificed by the GOP to the conservatism that earns it votes.
What will provide more nourishment for the family of an unemployed worker--a lower deficit or a paycheck?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Guns Or Butter? Yes, (If You Must) You CAN Have Both

Well, it's been a busy time in Washington for our Republican legislators. They have successfully blocked funding for extended UI benefits and the "Race to the Top" program. This unique economic strategy denies money for unemployed workers (money that would go right back into the economy) and for the education needed by youths to find jobs.
Nice work, guys.

To my fellow blue-collar workers:
Look, I don't give a shit if every room in your house has a Bible and a radio tuned to Rush Limbaugh, if you have a cellar filled with assault rifles and a framed portrait of David Duke above your mantle.
How long will you allow yourselves to be screwed because of the lie that your Constitutional freedoms, including the right to bear arms, are being threatened?

Monday, July 5, 2010

How To Win The War On Terrorism--Part 2

Another of my plans is what I call "Operation Trojan Horse":
As a gesture of good will, we send Afghanistan BP to develop its oil fields and the Army Corps of Engineers to overhaul its infrastructure--then just sit back and let nature take its course.
After centuries of failure, this might be the one-two punch that finally brings Afghanistan to its knees.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Some Progress Worth Celebrating

So many strange twists in the short history of this country.
I wonder if Senator Byrd, when he was in the Ku Klux Klan, could have possibly imagined that a black president would be delivering a eulogy at his funeral.

Happy Fourth of July.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Thank God We Have Elected Officials Safeguarding Our Traditions

I'm glad to see conservative senators attacking Elena Kagan for her ties to Thurgood Marshall--the man who probably did more than any other American to end segregation.
If they're not careful, they might confirm someone who would continue his work by trying to end discrimination against Hispanics, women, and gays.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

A Close Call

The arrest of those Russian spies should be a comfort to everyone worried about Obama being soft on national security.
Deep under cover in suburban America, the secret agents were right on the verge of discovering Colonel Sanders' 11 secret herbs and spices, unraveling the mystery of the Infield Fly Rule, and exposing the molecular structure of a Frisbee.
I think we'll all sleep a little easier tonight.