Wednesday, June 30, 2010

How To Win The War On Terrorism

I've been hard at work, figuring out different solutions to our Middle East wars. Here is one that I think might work. It has 3 parts:
1.) Remove all the women and children in the area to a safe haven.
2.) Let the men fight until they are all dead. (I am confident that if there were 2 men left standing in this part of the world they would figure out a way to kill each other.)
3.) Bring back the women and the children they're raising, and start over again.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dear Rupert Murdoch,

Concerning your recent comment that "We didn't buy Alaska to protect the moose.":
Why don't you take the boomerang out from up your ass and your head out of your pouch and smell the 21st Century.
If you think that your oil is more important than our land, go down and talk to the folks in Louisiana. And what's with this "we" crap? Even a moose knows that your criminal ancestors had nothing to do with the purchase of Alaska.
Maybe you should come and hang out in my neck of the woods for awhile--we'll see who needs protection!

Good'ay mate,
Max The Moose
77 Antler Alley
The Land Up Over

Monday, June 28, 2010

30 Billion Dollar Question

Congress will be asked this week to okay ANOTHER 30 BILLION for the Afghan war. That makes me feel a lot better about not getting that extension to my UI benefits. I'd hate to think I was taking money from some homicidal Blackwater goon or from one of Karzai's criminal relatives.

Here's the question I've never heard asked: Why do the legendary warriors of Afghanistan need our assistance to whip the Taliban? Afghanistan, "The Graveyard of Empires," is the only Middle Eastern country never conquered by a foreign power. It's the only country where Alexander wasn't so Great. Afghans drove out England when the British Empire was at its height. They are the only country to stop Genghis Khan. The Soviet Union, with all its modern weaponry, tried in vain for 14 years to subdue the Afghans.

So why does the Afghan Army need help to defeat a motley gang of ill-equipped, ill-trained insurgents armed with antique rifles and crude, improvised bombs?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Oh, That's Right! You Have To Do The Same Stupid Thing Over And Over Again For TEN Years Before It's Officially A Mistake

To Secretary Gates, General Petraeus, and all the talking heads who keep telling me that we haven's given our Afghan "strategy" enough time:
We've been there for nine years, folks. Nine. NINE. NINE FUCKING YEARS. N-I-N-E FUCKING YEARS.

That's longer than American troops were in the Civil War and WWII combined, longer than . . . oh hell with it, put in whatever math you want--I need a beer!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Still Confused

I have already mentioned my confusion over the difference between lobbying and bribery.
Accordingly, I was happy to hear NPR devoting an entire hour today to this issue. There was an impressive assemblage of experts and I listened carefully to the whole hour. I was left with this:
If a person hangs a sign on his door reading "LOBBYIST" he can pay a legislator for favors. If he neglects to hang the sign, it's bribery.

If anyone can further educate me on this subject, I'm all ears--or all modems, or all whatever-the-hell one is all-of on the Net.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

New Patient Taking Charge Of The Asylum

I think I join the rest of America in saying that I'll sleep a lot better tonight knowing that the president has chosen a new commander to lose the war in Afghanistan.

Fresh from leaving Iraq with a totally destroyed infrastructure, one of the world's most corrupt governments, a new headquarters for anti-American terrorism, and near constant sectarian violence, General Petraeus is now ready to work his magic in Afghanistan.
I feel confident that Obama has chosen just the right man to carry out our non-existent Afghan war strategy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Hey, Karzai and Palin Support Him--That's Good Enough For Me

I'm not sure which has me more on pins and needles this morning: Our World Cup soccer match with Algeria, or Obama's decision to keep or shit-can General McChrystal.

Choosong the right commander for the Afghan war is like choosing the right captain for the Titanic or the Hindenburg.
Choose wisely, Barack.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Hands Down, It's Still Baseball For Me

Okay, I tried. I sat down yesterday and watched what the avid fan on the barstool next to me described as a very exciting World Cup soccer match. I'd hate to see a boring one!

What I enjoy about my beloved baseball is that with every pitch a hundred different things can happen. In soccer there's basically only one thing that can happen, and it seems to happen about once a week.
If I had to describe a soccer game to someone who never saw one, I think that a good analogy would be a basketball game where no one ever makes a basket and the referee decides on a whim who wins or loses.
The human hand is one of the most amazing things in all of nature. After watching nearly an entire soccer match (a feat made endurable by the fact that the fan next to me kept buying rounds), my respect for that marvelous body part is greater than ever.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Government-Cheese-Eaters Disgraceful Attempt To Take Caviar From The Mouths Of Halliburton And Blackwater

What a joke! The arguing in Washington over how to spend taxpayers' money is made absolutely humorous by our war expenditures.
3 TRILLION in Iraq, and now another 1 TRILLION for the Afghan war.
4 TRILLION dollars flushed down the toilet while we endure the spectacle of our elected officials going at each other's throats over whether or not to extend unemployment benefits.

These pampered assclowns don't think twice about paying a mercenary $1,000.00/day to fight an unwinnable war that has no conceivable benefit for any American. Paying an unemployed worker $200.00/week to feed his family is cause for serious debate.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Could Have Had A SURGE In Sane Foreign Policy

Listening to our generals in Afghanistan desperately trying to sell their insane war, all I can think is: What a blown opportunity!
Obama had the House, Senate, and an optimistic country behind him. He could have "won the hearts and minds" of Americans by just getting us the hell out of there.

I voted for Obama because I wanted change. Unfortunately, he has joined Johnson, Nixon, Clinton, and Bush as just another president without the balls to end a disastrous war.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Looked Like He Was Sinking--Now That He's "Shaking Down" BP, Maybe He'll Float

The verdict on Obama's handling of the oil spill by some Republican legislators reminds me of how the good Christians of Salem Mass. tried witches. The accused was bound in chains and thrown into a pond. If she sank and drowned, she was innocent. If she floated, she was guilty and burned at the stake.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"I'm Sorry You're Being Attacked, Ma'am, But Your Debit Card Is Overdrawn. Please Feel Free To Call 911 Again When Your Finances Are In Order"

To those believing that health care should only be for people who can afford it: What if we applied the same principle to other elements of American society--for instance, public safety?
Should police protection be available only to those above a certain income level?

The social contract between a government and its citizens is broken when the basic needs of the citizens are ignored.
Is defending a life against disease less important than defending it against criminals or foreign invaders?

Monday, June 14, 2010

Hymie Rosenberg, LeRoy Jackson, and Pepe Hernandez Weren't Available For That Mission

I support Obama's decision to finally end NASA's costly, and scientifically irrelevant, manned moon flights. What's the point? We've already been there, done that. Half the world doesn't believe it, the other half doesn't give a shit.

My only question concerning our big moon adventure is: Was first man on the moon, NEIL ARMSTRONG, chosen for anything other than his name?

Friday, June 11, 2010

Get Yourself A MBA--They're Hiring More VPs At The White House

It's funny how those patriotic, rugged -individual Tea Party types are so terrified of socialism, but not bothered at all by Corporatism.
They don't mind that:
--Nearly all of our food is processed by 4 giant corporations
--Our health care is managed by a handful of monster insurance companies
--Our homes and savings are entrusted to a few "too big to fail" financial institutions

Here's an idea: How about we change the name of the country to The United States, Inc. Instead of a president, we'll elect a CEO. He'll have 50 vice presidents and everyone in Washington will be paid 20 million dollars a year plus bonuses.
Would that make you Tea Party assclowns feel better about having a federal government?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

But He'll Get New Street Cred With The Teabaggers. Remember, Next Time Around He Has To Be ELECTED

Regarding Gov. Parnell's veto of the bill extending health care to needy Alaskans because it does not forbid abortion:

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

"My Doctor Is Gouging The Hell Out Of Me, But The Slot Machines Are Honest--They're Inspected Regularly"

I don't know why there's such concern about "creeping socialism" when so many major elements of our society have already been socialized.
--CARS. In a purely free-enterprise nation of 300 million people would there be only 3 car companies? (That have been repeatedly propped up by the government.)
--AGRICULTURE. Federal Agriculture Extension Agents oversee farming in every state. They pay farmers subsidies when they over-produce, and pay others not to plant. (Remember the Soviet Union's Five Year Plans?)
--LIQUOR. Ever notice the federal stamp on a whisky bottle? The manufacture and sale of liquor in the U.S. is strictly controlled by the government.
--GAMBLING. Want to open a casino or race track? Gambling in this country is only legal when licensed and managed by the government.

You really have to wonder about a country that has socialized booze and gambling, and free-enterprise medicine.

Monday, June 7, 2010

"Thanks, Osama, I Really Appreciate It--But This Number-4 Gig Is Suiting Me Just Fine For Right Now"

I see that our troops in Afghanistan have killed Al-qaida's number 3 man--again.
Have I lost count, or is this the 5th time we've knocked off Osama's 3rd in command?
Given the inherent danger of this particular position, it's remarkable that men keep stepping forward to fill it.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Congratulations, Rush. And Thanks

Rush Limbaugh's upcoming marriage should offer inspiration to every man who has given up on finding a mate.
If an obese, 3-times-divorced, racist, sexist, drug addict can land a new bride, no one should abandon hope in his search for a companion.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Pipe Successfully Circumcised--Awaiting Condom

It looks lke BP might have finally done something right.
A newly optomistic spokesman reminded us today that there are several thousand off-shore oil rigs, and in 20 years only 2 major spills. Obama has quoted the same statistic.
This may be true. It is also true that sometimes a flipped coin will land heads 10 time in a row. The next spill could be--tomorrow.

Unless our present technology is improved, I don't see how we can continue with deep-water drilling.
Seems like a good time to me to get serious about alternative energy sources.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Or Offer The CEO Gig At BP--I Have A Feeling There's Going To Be An Opening

I wonder if the same thing that caused the oil leak could plug it: Money
Maybe the government should offer a billion-dollar award to any engineering firm that can come up with a solution for this disaster.
It may very well be that no solution exists--this would sure be the way to find out.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Trying To Talk Reason To Religious Fanatics Is Like Beating Your . . . .

With Israel much in the news now, I got to see some footage last night of Israelis praying at the Wailing Wall. This is where religious men (no girls allowed) express their piety by chanting and literally beating their heads against a sacred wall. Talk about a living metaphor!
I was also treated to some shots of young Palestinian Arabs chanting over their Korans.

I can't help wondering: Is there any hope for peace in a place where, for people on both sides of an issue, the mere memorization and reciting back of something passes for wisdom?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


18 months in office and Obama still hasn't cured cancer, stopped global warming, brought peace to the Middle East, or bred a pitless avocado. Now he refuses to dive to the bottom of the Gulf and plug BP's ruptured pipe with his body. Typical foreign-born, black communist.

My favorite new Obama basher is Bobby Jindal, governor of Louisiana. Right up until the spill, Jindal was screaming for more oil wells and less government intervention.
Listen to the man now.
Turning this heart-breaking national disaster into just another campaign issue is disgraceful.
Come on, Bobby--show some class.