Friday, March 28, 2008

I'll Try Anything You Can't Name

Okay, we all know what went on in Sodom. But how about Gamorrah? Have you ever heard of anyone committing gamorrahy or being gamorrahized? Me neither. Did the citizens of Gamorrah lend their name to an act so unspeakable that for millennia it has remained unspoken? Stay tuned--I intend on looking into this.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Give That Woman a Hand!

Through the ages much attention has been paid to the female form. Here are the vital statistics for one of history's most famous women, Venus de Milo:
Bust-34 3/4"
Waist-28 1/2"
Calf-13 1/2"
Ankle-8 1/2"
Apparently, Venus adhered to the sound advice of "Neither a centerfold nor a fashion model be." Having lived through an era when vomitoria were popular, she should be applauded for maintaining a sensible waistline. I hope that she will serve as an inspiration for the modern woman.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

An Economics Lesson

The Federal Reserve has just saved the day by pumping $30 billion of our dollars into another bail-out.
If the Feds spend $30 billion to rescue a financial institution mismanaged by$50-million/year executives, that's C-A-P-I-T-A-L-I-S-M.
If the Feds pick up the tab for your flu shot, that's S-O-C-I-A-L-I-S-M.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

War on Terrorism Over, WE WIN!

Regarding John McCain's decision to stay in Iraq for a hundred years:
Congratulations! Finally, someone with the guts to devise a plan that will ensure the death of Osama bin Laden.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Clothes Unmake the Man?

Some people have made an issue of the photos showing Barack Obama in African garb. Would these same people be upset by a candidate of Scottish descent wearing a kilt?

Friday, March 21, 2008

Room in the Louvre for Dogs Playing Poker?

Patrons of the arts:
Please try to occasionally buy a bad painting. If there had been more support for Hitler's earlier career, the world could have been saved some trouble.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Seeds of Compassion

I have just read about families in India that subsist entirely on the undigested seeds they remove from cow shit in the streets.
This is appalling!
I urge all patriotic Americans to write Washington and demand that our country's excess cow shit be immediately airlifted to India.
Such an act of compassion might serve to enhance our currently tarnished global image. It certainly would not be inconsistent with U.S. foreign policy.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

"Abdul, pass Hymie those beans"

Anthropologists have informed us of a universal taboo. There is no, nor has there ever been, a society that condones farting at the dinner table. (In the era when well-mannered Europeans picked lice from the bodies of fellow diners, it was still considered bad form to let one rip during a meal).
I find this very heartening. Perhaps if Arabs and Jews, Serbs and Albanians, Greeks and Turks could sit down together for a fartless meal they would realize that they are not so different from one another. This "First Supper" could fuel the journey toward world peace.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Welcome to Heaven, Here's Your Penis

Some possible rewards for female Muslim martyrs:
1. Nothing. After all, they're just women.
2. The supreme reward: transformation into a man. Upon entry into heaven, the female martyr is issued a penis and forty-two virgins to ravage.
3. Admission to the heaven of a non-sexist religion-- oh, that's right, there aren't any non-sexist religions.
4. Perhaps the true reward is simply release from the earthly bounds of a society that punishes rape victims and includes male-dominated sexual mayhem in its vision of heaven.

Friday, March 14, 2008

A Weighty Theological Question

Male jihadist martyrs are rewarded in heaven with a multitude of virgins. Lately, many of the Muslim suicide-martyrs have been women. What is their heavenly reward?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Father Theresa

Ever wonder why a Catholic woman can become a saint but not a priest?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Debating Reality

The current "debate" over water-boarding has brought up an interesting point. We Americans are so committed to Democracy that many of us have accepted the strange notion that every issue has two sides. Unfortunately, reality is not democratic. The facts of life in this world are independent of our polls and debates. Five centuries ago, the majority of people on our planet would have voted that it was flat. This did not make The Earth any less round.
Cleverly, our government has taken this myth of a two-sided reality and used it to obscure its illegal use of torture. Water-boarding is torture. It is a classic form of torture, which is why it has a name. The procedure has been documented back to the Middle Ages and its use is worldwide. The U.S. Government was caught advocating torture and the sham debate over water-boarding has only increased the embarrassment. It is as if we were debating whether there is a Pacific Ocean or whether two plus two equals four while the whole world watches.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Simulated Torture

Here's a question for President Bush and those who support his views on torture: Sometimes a prisoner subjected to the "simulated drowning" of water-boarding dies-- is this a "simulated death"?