Tuesday, March 31, 2009


"I say we round up all the drug addicts and gas them."
--Rush Limbaugh, Nov. 3rd, 1988, shortly before entering rehab for drug addiction.

Monday, March 30, 2009

National Priority

Because of some personal matters, I've been anxiously awaiting Obama's solution for universal health care. However, recent developments have made me drop any concern for my own minor problems.
First things first. If there are new funds available for vital medical procedures, the nation's highest priority should be to immediately FIT RUSH LIMBAUGH WITH A SHOCK COLLAR!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Lipstick is Off the Pig

In an effort to gain support from her ultra-conservative allies, Governor Palin has rejected 1/3 of Obama's stimulus package. This includes funds for the "special needs" education she claims to champion, and funds for more safety officers (that she previously requested!).
Our governor's a real beauty, all right.
Clearly, Ms. Palin is more concerned with her national ambitions than the welfare of Alaska's citizens.
At least now we know what we're up against.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Too Bad They Weren't "Entitled" To 'Em

This flap over the AIG bonuses is fascinating.
Are you currently jumping through the hoops required to collect Unemployment Insurance, Medicaid, Social Security, or any of our other entitlements? Have fun!

If the government had made it as difficult for a millionaire executive to receive a $50 billion bail-out check as it is for a carpenter to receive a $100.00 Unemployment check, we would have avoided a lot of grief.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Pope Uncovers New Health Risk

Always hard at work to protect his flock, Benedict XVI has now warned us that condoms actually spread AIDS.
For instance:
While walking to the store for a pack of condoms you run into your sister. She tells you that there is some important family business that she wants to discuss. When you get to her apartment, however, you discover that she is really a robot that has been built by a gang of gay outlaw bikers. The bikers rape you and give you AIDS.

WAKE UP, FOLKS--this is merely one of the many ways that condoms can spread AIDS!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Snakes--Are They Really So Bad?

Happy St. Patrick's Day--the holiday celebrating the man who drove the snakes from Ireland in exchange for converting the island to Christianity.

I don't know if this transaction can be accomplished in reverse.
But as a resident of America's only snake-free state, I often fantasize about it.

Monday, March 16, 2009


I just can't resist. This weekend I ventured again into the world of Top 40 Radio and once more I was not disappointed. I was instantly rewarded with superstar Kelly Clarkson singing her latest hit, "My Life Would Suck Without You."
I must admit that I got a little misty, but then I got busy. Inspired by Kelly's tender ballad, I have written a new love song of my own and sent it to Ms. Clarkson's agent.

I believe that "If Ever You Should Leave Me, It Would Be Like Someone Packed My Crotch In Ground Beef and Threw Me Into a Cage Filled With Starving Wolverines" has the potential for being a big hit.
Maybe it's time to get the old band back together!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

One More Bail-Out!

Levi has split the sheets with Bristol Palin. We're all in shock! What 19-year-old boy wouldn't want to be tied down as a husband and father?
Oh well, now he'll have more time to spend with his mother before she goes to prison.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Word Power

You've got to laugh.
In China, if some poor bastard slaving away for 3 bowls of rice and a dormitory cot complains, the party bosses in their McMansions accuse him of not being a good socialist.
In America, if a worker wants to start a union or take other steps to share in the nation's wealth, the rich corporate heads and their government stooges accuse him of being a socialist.

What a useful word this has become!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

To the Conservatives Resisting Obama's Economic Plan:

Warren Buffet, the world's richest man, supports it and he says that you should too.
Hey--the richest man in the whole goddamn world! That ain't good enough for you?

Do you really think that this man who has made 62 billion dollars investing in the American free enterprise system is a "socialist"?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Dismal Science

The flood of bullshit triggered by the financial crisis has become a tsunami. We're drowning in it. I've turned off my radio.
The battling talking-heads forget (conveniently!) that in economics there are no perfect solutions. There's always a catch. Always: "I've got some good news, and some . . . "
That's why economics is the "dismal science."

Example: If you bail out a mismanaged corporation, hard-working, skilled employees will keep their jobs. And a few greedy, worthless scumbags will continue their free ride.
That's just the way it is. Dismal, right?
But understanding this can help you wade through the bullshit.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Lucky For Him He Didn't Use a Condom!

Meanwhile on the theological front:
In Brazil today, Catholic priests still vow to excommunicate the doctors who aborted the pregnancy of a 9-year-old rape victim. Some are pushing to excommunicate the child's mother and the child herself.

Only the rapist remains safely embraced in the sheltering bosom of the Church.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

How Do Teetotalers Survive?

I believe neither in luck nor any other supernatural influences in our lives. There are days, however, that make me wonder. This has been one of them. Everything at work this morning went all to hell. Everything.
Shuffling around town during my lunch break, the sun suddenly came out--a rare occurrence around here. I instantly felt revived. Yes! I would persevere, make the most of this now beautiful day.
I went into the corner drugstore and bought a bottle of aspirin, which, annoyingly, came inside a small box. I did not dwell upon this stupid, wasteful packaging--the sun was out!
Back on the street I looked up at the mountains and let the sun warm my face. I took the aspirin bottle out of the offensive box--tossed it into one of our bear-proof, non-refundable trash barrels and put the empty box in my jacket pocket.
$9.00 shot to hell and not even a bear would benefit from my purchase.
I walked next door to the bar. This is something I do believe in. I am currently seated on a very comfortable stool. If they need me back at work, they will have to drag me off of it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

To My Republican Friends Making Over $250,000/Year:

Your free ride over the past 8 years helped to bankrupt the nation and create the current financial mess. As the great patriots that you all are, shouldn't you be happy to start paying your fair share of taxes and aid the country in its time of need?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

It Was a STUNT, Folks--Get Over It!

It's unbelievable! This continuing nightmare spawned by candidate McCain's reckless campaign stunt.
People now associate Sarah Palin with Alaska, where nearly everyone considers her to be a joke. Tourists want to visit Wasilla, the one place most Alaskans would rather keep a secret.
I don't know where the press got those picturesque photos of the Palin homestead. In reality, a typical Wasilla residence would be a trailer with a plastic-tarp roof and a yard strewn with used Pampers and empty cough medicine bottles. The town hall is a meth lab and its official crest is a prison tattoo. If the place serves any purpose, it's to supply the state with criminals and Bible-thumping lunatics dedicated to maintaining Alaska's national leadership in domestic violence, incest, and child molestation.
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up.
Are these candidates for the Jerry Springer Show really being considered as our next First Family?
Have 8 years of George Bush softened the American brain to the point that it will allow a desperate publicity stunt turn Sarah Palin into a world leader?