Why I Shop

Sometimes I amuse myself at the supermarket by looking for the most ridiculous items I can find. Here's a couple new ones:
1.) 3 brands of ORGANIC DOG FOOD. Well, it's about time! I'd hate to think that animals capable of eating shit or their own young were being subjected to impure food. (By the way--if you've noticed your dog wearing a veil or a skull cap, you'll be pleased to know that these organic dog foods also comply with the dietary laws of both Muslims and Jews.)
2.) SWANSON'S FROZEN WIENER&BEAN DINNER. What a deal! Why invest 50 cents and 10 minutes on a wiener&bean dinner when you can have the same thing for $4.79 in one hour (15 minutes pre-heat, 45 minutes cooking time.)
I've been thinking of staking out the frozen food aisle and watching for folks who buy this item--I have some waterfront property in Fairbanks they might be interested in.

Natural Contrariness

Have you noticed that everything at the grocery store is suddenly "natural." (Maybe this is as it should be. Isn't everything in the world natural? Are there any supernatural products? Any products conceived through alchemy, witchcraft, or delivered via black holes or warps in space/time?)
And how the hell do they get away with capping ingredient lists with: "and natural ingredients." Doesn't this trivialize everything else on the list? Rat shit, roach wings, crude oil, and 'possum piss are all perfectly natural ingredients--I don't think I'd want them in my food.
Yesterday at the health food store I encountered NATURAL OREO COOKIES.
The Oreo Cookie as it occurs in Nature? I wonder: Do they mine those things or pick them?
And is a natural shampoo any more natural than greasy hair? And . . . God, don't get me started!

What a Week! The Pope and One Awesome Deal!

Nice of the Pope to drop by for a visit this week. As Popes go, he seems like a decent sort--especially when you consider that he was raised in Nazi Germany and has never been laid.
(By the way, the Catholic Church never intended celibacy for its priests, only that they refrain from marriage. During the Middle Ages the Church was acquiring great wealth and property, and did not want wives claiming "halfsies" or children inheriting a piece of the action).
While we're on the subject:
To receive my short story "Conclave", a lighthearted tale set in the Vatican, send your e-mail address and $5.00 (one stinkinking cocktail!) or $10.00 for a signed(!) hard copy or disk to:
Joe Karson
203 W. 3rd St. #D
Juneau, Alaska 99801
--Satisfaction guaranteed!-Hurry while supplies last!-Tell a friend!--

And How About That 40-Day Rain Delay!

It's baseball season, at last. I'm a big fan.
Apparently, so were the folks who wrote the Bible:
In the big-inning God created heaven and earth (yeah, that's a big one) . . . and on the seventh day He rested (the seventh inning he stretched).
Now tell me baseball isn't important!

A Modest Proposal

Our country still maintains a nuclear arsenal capable of blowing up the inhabited world one hundred times. As a patriotic American, this fills me with pride.
Still, with a presidential election on the horizon, I would like to offer a modest proposal to those seeking our highest office:
Would it be possible to reduce this stockpile to a level capable of destroying the world only fifty times and put the savings into a national health-care plan?
I realize that this is a radical idea. Please believe me, I am no extremist or whining malcontent. I am not a Communist, a terrorist, nor a vegetarian.
I am just a simple American taxpayer who dreams of a world he can blow up fifty times while still being able to see a dentist.
Thank you.

Sole Music

Ever wake up humming some stupid jingle? Find yourself walking along, singing a song you detest?
I am constantly struck by the similarity between hearing bad music and stepping in shit--you pick the stuff up by accident, then can't get rid of it.
Lately, I feel as though I'm walking through the musical countryside in Vibram-soled boots.

Another Season of Rhyme Without Reason

I thought it would pass. But surfing the AM dial, I still keep hearing songs that seem to have abandoned every traditional element of that art form except rhyme.
Here's a question I'd like to ask the artists responsible for these songs:
What if you were suddenly transported to a land whose language lacked the trivial quality of having some words that sound alike-- would that mean that you were no longer an artist?

"That's the one we're looking for!"

I'm trying to concentrate on work but here's what I'm thinking:
When I cut a board once, I get two pieces. When I cut it twice, I get three. Three, four. Four, five... etc.
So, if I cut a board (a very long one) an infinite number of times, I will get an infinite number of pieces--plus one!
Now that is one very special piece of wood.

Unjust Desserts

Nov. 3, 1953, White Horse Tavern, New York City:
Dylan Thomas ate a cheeseburger with french fries and a large helping of apple pie a la mode, then drank 18 straight shots of Irish whiskey and dropped dead.
Once again, the dangers of overindulgence can be seen.
Had he skipped the pie, the great Welsh writer might still be with us today.

Price of Rice Up 30%: The Surge is Working!

A potent new weapon has been added to the War on Humanity: biofuel.
Rather than burn a foul, smelly liquid of no use to impoverished third-worlders, we will now burn grain in our cars.
Some new hybrid vehicles are already reporting 20 MPL (miles per loaf).
It has been deternined that collateral damage--destruction of the planet's rivers, oceans, forests, farmlands and climate, and the spread of worldwide famine--should have little impact on the U.S. consumer.