Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Speaking of Bastards . . .

Bristol Palin has given birth to a son. Hopefully, his paternal grandmother will spend enough time out of prison and his maternal grandmother will spend enough time in Alaska to help with his rearing.
Consistent with the Palins' vaguely white-trash tradition of bestowing unusual, one-of-a-kind names on their children, the boy has been named Tripp. No surprise there.
But what I want to know is:
What the hell is the kid's LAST name?

For devout Fundamentalist Christians, the Palins certainly have a casual attitude toward out-of-wedlock children.
I'd like to suggest some Palin-style names for future offspring: How about Hyp? Or Crit?

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Happy New Year, America! Screw the Bastards and Get Drunk Doing It

I don't know a hedge fund (money put aside for shrubbery?) from a hockey puck, but the current Wall-Street scams can be instructive for us drunks.
How about a bar-hopping ponzi scheme? You pick up a new drinker at each bar and promise him that if he buys a round, he'll drink free at all the next bars. The last guy gets screwed and you have free drinks for the whole night.

New Year's Eve is coming up in a couple days, and this traditional "amateur night" at the bars should be perfect for trying out the scheme.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Put Christ Back in Christmas?

How about putting Christ back in Christianity!
Christ is the only thing I really like about Christianity, a religion that I find ridiculous (snake handling, speaking in tongues, medieval Catholic rituals) at best, and barbaric (gay bashing, denial of reproductive rights, support of fascist governments) at its worst.

It's hard to find fault with Jesus as a teacher riding around on a donkey telling people to mellow out. Going from that peaceful image to the Crusades, Inquisition, Salem Witch Trials, and the hatred sewn by contemporary right-wing Christian fanatics is a testament to the ugliness of our species.

I recently heard a Baptist minister explain that God has made an exception regarding homosexuals and it's okay to hate them.
Maybe it's time for Jesus to get back on his ass and start mellowing-out his followers again.
Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 15, 2008

"I Don't Know What His Beef Is." --George W. Bush

Along with "Mission Accomplished" and "You're Doing A Heck Of A Job, Brownie", we now have another quote to be chiseled in stone at the George Bush Presidential Library.
Why would that shoe-throwing Iraqi journalist have a beef?
After all, he isn't one of our 200,000 "collateral damage" casualties, he isn't one of 2 million homeless Iraqi refugees, he isn't one of the 20,000 Iraqis we've imprisoned, he wasn't tortured or sent to a cage in Cuba, he hasn't been used by American mercenaries for target practice, and he was only kidnapped by U.S. forces and held without charges once.
Talk about an ingrate!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Bush Legacy

The Bush gang is currently taking time out from the shredding machines to roll back laws enforcing environmental protection and workplace safety. Along with the war on peace and prosperity, Dubya is waging a desperate last minute war against the environment and people who work for a living. Apparently, this is an attempt to insure his legacy as the leader of America's most destructive administration.

Recently I was challenged to name one positive feature of the Bush legacy. After lengthy deliberation, I actually came up with something:
Thanks to Dubya's invasion of Iraq, our going to war in Vietnam is now only the second dumbest thing this country has ever done.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

It's Just Crazy Enough It Might Work! Sensible Cars and Health Care

Instead of bailing out the auto companies, why not invest that money in universal health care? The advantages would be:
1.) These "health care providers that also make cars" (GM spends more on employee health care than steel) could put the savings into retooling their factories.
2.) America would join the rest of the civilized world in providing health care for its citizens (who would then have more money to buy cars!).

(An alternate plan would be to turn those billions into $10,000.00 vouchers that Americans could use to buy only American-made cars. This would put money in Detroit and force the "Big Three" to build cars that American consumers want.)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Terrorists: Please Don't Read This, Okay? Thanks.--TSA

re: "Terrorist for a Day"
It's simple. You murder the passengers before they get on the plane.
Any Tom, Dick, or Abdul can walk through the front door of an airport with a concealed bomb. He merely has to walk over to where TSA has passengers gathered into a nice tight herd waiting to be inspected, toss the bomb into their midst, and (unless he's anxious for those virgins) run like hell.
The collateral damage to TSA staff and passersby will make up for the pilots and flight attendants that are spared.