Sarah's Big Adventure

We're down to just a few more days of candidate Palin lecturing us on economics. The next time you hear Sarah's financial views, please note: As part of her NRC funded shopping spree, she bought an $800.00 Louis Vuitton purse for her six-year-old daughter.

Please respond by checking one option.
I would relate the above-mentioned purchase more closely with:
1.) A responsible, down-to-earth hockey mom
or
2.) An out-of-control, white-trash bimbo

In a McCain/Palin administration, who would be Secretary of the Treasury--Paris Hilton?

Alaskan Voters B*** F***ed Long Enough

Welcome to the Alaskan political scene. Along with our governor making a national spectacle of herself, we now have a senator with 7 felony convictions.
But what's truly remarkable is, it gets worse. Behold our lone congressman: Don Young.
While delivering a high-school commencement speech in Fairbanks, Don denounced the National Endowment for the Arts by declaring that he would block any funding for a "bunch of butt-fuckers." Nice, huh?
Fairbanks is a unique place. To our many distinctions we can now add: First graduating high-school seniors and their families to be treated to the term "butt-fucker" in a commencement ceremony.
Do you really need to know any more about the man?
Our Neanderthal congressman is currently facing several corruption charges. Hopefully, he will soon be sharing a jail cell with Sen. Stevens--tastefully decorated with "Dogs Playing Poker," "Velvet Elvis," and other works of non-gay art.

Keepin' It Real

Dear Real Americans,
I'm sick of hearing about this other Joe the Plumber guy. What the the hell does he know? He knows that shit runs downhill and Barack Hussein Obama is a communist. Duh!
If instead of running around giving interviews like some big shot he stayed home at night and listened to smart guys on AM radio he'd know what I know. He'd know that in Arab countries shit runs uphill and if Barack Hussein Obama is elected he's gonna bring a bunch of Arab plumbers over here who will fix it so that shit runs uphill in America too.
And then what are Real American plumbing businesses gonna do, huh?
Wake up America!

Sincerely,
The Real Joe the Plumber
Trulee, Missouri
United States of Real America

A Letter From Iraq

Dear John,
Hey, you senile old fart--get your ass in gear! You promised us a hundred years of easy money over here and we're holding you to it. What the hell do you expect us to do--come home to your trashed-out economy and work for a living?

Sincerely,
Joe The Government Contractor

Come On, Boy, Go To Work!

Bush, McCain, and their cronies shouldn't be too upset if they lose the White House next month.
Aren't these rich Republicans used to having black men come in after them and clean up their mess?

You Can't Trust Anyone Anymore!

The Republicans' campaign to expose Obama and his supporters as terrorists is making great progress.
It has finally outed Colin Powell.
Who would have guessed that a West Point graduate, veteran of two wars, four star general, ex-Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and former Bush cabinet-member is actually an anti-American terrorist?
Keep up the good work!

Dubya: The Personal Touch

I used to think that George W. Bush's main focus was on destroying the image of our nation as a whole.
With the current financial fiasco, I can see that he has also been working to destroy the lives of individual Americans.
I guess he's really just a people person.

War? What War?

The war in Iraq never came up in last night's presidential debates. I find this fascinating. Even in a debate on economic and domestic issues, I would expect something as catastrophic as being at war to be mentioned.
Isn't a trillion dollars wasted on a senseless war an economic issue?
Isn't the death and maiming of thousands of Americans and its toll on their families a domestic issue?
Has this country become so used to violence and constant war that it isn't even worthy of discussion anymore?

Please! When You Vote This Time, Listen to the Angels--Not the Demons

The talking heads have devoted this weekend to discussing the candidates' religious views. My knee-jerk reaction is: Who gives a damn? But, of course, I keep forgetting the polls showing that over 50% of Americans believe in angels and demons.
These are the people who will help elect our new leaders!

In a truly enlightened society, I would assume that people believing in angels and demons would be barred from voting due to mental incompetence. Here, they decide our future.
Sometimes I wonder how our country has survived at all.

"Gosh Darnit, John, You're Harshing My Gig!"

Judging by the huge crowds she continues to draw, Sarah Palin's fans seem prepared to back her no matter what she says or does. John McCain, campaigning like an angry old fart, is losing supporters daily.
Maybe it's time Caribou Barbie considered dropping McCain from the ticket.

Definitely Pure Number Two

Dear Joe,
Fuck you! You don't like my poem? Dude, it was in New Yorker--you think they don't know a good poem when they see one?
A good poem has to be either:
1.) A hundred years old
or
2.) Impossible to understand
and my poem is definitely number two!

Drop dead you goddamn cretin,
A. Angry Poet
New York, N.Y.

To My Poet Friends:

The New Yorker is one of the most prestigious publishers of contemporary poetry. The magazine receives thousands of submissions and prints only the cream of the crop. Here is an example from this week's issue (really):

Beast Brutality

The caption read,
"He and she standing quietly next to a dog."
The prompt queen sat with her crown on,
The insects between each Gothic arch providing a measure
Of what can be
Done with architecture.
She said, "We built it long ago.
And then we knocked it down."
And then she looked away.
"And then we looked away."

And you keep asking me why no one reads poetry anymore!

Nice Hearing From You, Jack

Dear Joe,
Our governor's frequent references to "Joe Six-Pack" make me think that she is seriously out of touch with the people in her own state. Six-pack? I haven't seen one of them since I was buying my beer with a fake I.D. Do they still even sell six-packs? I can't think of anyone around here who would even bother taking home only six beers. I don't know about you, but at my house six beers ain't getting us through breakfast.

Take care,
Jack Half-Rack
Fairbanks, Ak.

Keep In Touch

Dear Joe,
Sarah was like totally awesome last night! Her firm stand against the Holocaust showed some real hockey-mommy, bull-doggy grit. Man's inhumanity towards man is totally icky (almost as icky as a man marrying a man) and if she wins I'm sure she'll use her title to promote world peace.
I'm really looking forward to the swimsuit competition. (She was robbed last time!)
Anyhoo, she's got "Miss Congeniality" in the bag.

God bless us all, and let Track kill lots of Arabs,
Sincerely,
(name withheld)