Thursday, May 28, 2009

Some History

There's much saber-rattling against the U.S. these days--and it's understandable. After our irrational, unprovoked invasion of Iraq, no one feels safe. And given the size and strength of the U.S. military, nuclear weapons are the great equalizer.

Why are N. Korea and Iran leading the charge? Check out a history book. America attacked both of these countries in the past, even though they posed no threat to us. After bombing the hell out of the place, President Truman actually considered nuking some N. Korean cities (!).
Iran was our first "regime change." We overthrew a democratically elected president bent on reforming his country, and replaced him with one of the most brutal dictators in modern history.
Is it any wonder that these countries have no love for the U.S.?

By the way: If it were up to me, the punks currently running both of these countries would immediately have their birth certificates revoked. It's a shame that we have given despicable tyrants like Kim Jong-Il and Ahmadinejad so much legitimate fuel for their anti-American campaigns.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Isn't It Time to "Just Fade Away"? Oops, That's Right, You Were Never a Soldier--Just Another Rich Warmonger That Dodged the Draft

Happy Memorial Day, Dick--

Regarding your ridiculous "Ticking Time Bomb" scenario: Obviously, OBVIOUSLY, any U.S. administration would do whatever is necessary to to make the captured terrorist tell where the atom bomb in Manhattan is hidden. Is this even worth discussing?

John McCain, and George Bush for Christ's sake!, favor closing Guantanamo Bay. Are you the only one left who wants to maintain Gitmo? If you are, who gives a shit? It's over, Dick--you had your 8 years and you blew it. Shut up and slither back home!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Hey, Dick--When We Decide To Let Former VPs Continue Making Policy, We'll Tap On Your Rock

Like some dormant, subterranean creature, Dick Cheney has crept up into the daylight again. Apparently, he was not content with just watching Obama try to dig the country out of the hole created by the last administration. Now the ex-VP is going to fling shit at the president while he's laboring at this monumental task.
What's really disgusting here is that Cheney's motive is so transparent. By repeatedly trumpeting that there was no terrorist attack here in the last 8 years,* he is setting us up for the big "I told you so" should there be one during Obama's tenure. This is a new low for even a reptile like Cheney.

*This boast is based on a common logical fallacy. There is no way to prove that the lack of an attack during Bush's administration was due to his policies. It could have been in spite of them.
If Bush had a red-headed secretary from 9/11 until the end of his last term, would that prove that red-headed secretaries ward off terrorist attacks?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Who Knew?

Household Hints Department
Does anyone else know about this?
Have you ever looked at the ends of an aluminum foil box? Probably not. Well, check it out--you will find there the words "PRESS HERE TO LOCK ROLL."
Following these instructions will result in tabs extending into the cardboard roll like twin axles, allowing it to spin freely.
Instead of snagging, tearing and going all to hell as usual, the foil will now smoothly unroll from the box.
It's amazing--I'm looking for excuses to use my aluminum foil!

Friday, May 22, 2009

"We'd Like to Stop the Bleeding, But Your Insurance Doesn't Cover That"

Republican reactionaries continue to resist all of the president's progressive programs. They are outraged by Obama's efforts to join the civilized world by providing us with not-for-profit health care. Their slogan is: "Do you want government bureaucrats making medical decisions for you?" (This is based on an outrageous lie. Under universal health care, doctors would obviously still be making the medical decisions--the government would merely pay them.)
No, we can't have bureaucrats making medical decisions. Clearly, this is the role of insurance companies!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

What a Waste!

You may have heard the news that scientists just discovered the most distant celestial object ever--a star 13 billion light years away. (This means that light traveling at 186,000 miles per second would take 13 billion years to arrive here!) The star is thought to be at least 600 billion years old.
Here's my question for the Fundamentalists:
If we humans are the unique creations of God and the world was created for us alone, what is all the rest of this vast universe for? It seems as if there is an awful lot of space and time going to waste out there.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

One Awesome Liquid!

You can learn a lot sitting in a bar. For instance, watching some martini drinkers I just figured out that vermouth must be one of the most powerful substances on earth.
If a man were to walk int a bar and order a double shot of straight gin, he would be condemned as an uncouth alcoholic. Folks on neighboring stools would edge away.
But if the same man ordered a martini (a double shot of gin with a drop of vermouth), he would be applauded as a suave, sophisticated man-of-the-world.
Vermouth must be some truly incredible stuff. Could a single drop of anything else transform a person so radically?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Welcome to Death Row, I'll Have a Budweiser

Popped into the bar for a nightcap yesterday--and instantly saw that it was a mistake. For some reason, the place was filled with young men, many of them sporting shaved or nearly-shaved heads and a several macho tattoos. I felt as if I were in a prison yard instead of a cheery neighborhood bar!
I chugged a beer and split.
I'll never understand how the "death-row look" has become so fashionable. Maybe I'm just an old hippie, but I think the country was doing a lot better when men had long hair and tattoos were for hoodlums and carnival freaks.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A Winner!

Thanks, RACHEL, for your winning entries in the Fox News Contest:

Fat-assed Ornery Xeroxes (of Limbaugh)
Frequently Odious eXacerbaters
Frustrated Onerous eXclaimers

All apt names for the Fox "News" program.
Your prize is in the mail!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I Don't Mind Mixing Apples and Oranges--And I can Tell the Difference Between the Two Without Labels

Speaking of fruit . . .
I like a nice piece of fruit. Is there anything more natural and beautiful than a perfectly ripened apple or pear?
I assumed that these simple delights were secure--unable to be diminished by the Hand of Man. Or Corporate America.

Of course, I should have known better.

Okay, I realize that those little tags pasted onto our fruits and vegetables serve a purpose. But does that purpose outweigh the inconvenience? Does it warrant the insult (Yes, that's right!) to these unspoiled wonders?
Is the sky bluer? Is springtime more welcome each year? Is there peace and harmony among the nations? Is the world a substantially better place to live in NOW THAT I HAVE TO SCRAPE THOSE FUCKING LABELS OFF OF MY TOMATOES AND APPLES AS IF THEY WERE SOME SORT OF CHEAP, MASS-PRODUCED TRINKETS?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Where Did Eve Find That Big Shiny Apple in All of Those Old Paintings? The Things Hadn't Been Invented Yet!

For my Christian Fundamentalist friends:
Do you realize that Evolution is the basis for all of modern biology? It is also the basis for absolutely all of our agriculture. Do you know what an apple would be like without Evolution? It would be a rock-hard, impossibly sour thing about the size of a ping-pong ball. Without Evolution, corn would be a thumb-sized grain; it would take acres to produce a bushel of wheat and a herd of cows to give a gallon of milk.
Maybe you people should restrict your diet to wild grasses and acorns--or any of the other foods that still flourish exactly as God created them in those 7 days.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Besides, Torturing Women is Fun

Just heard a great one on the radio. The ambassador from Saudi Arabia, that wonderful medieval monarchy beloved of the Bush clan and our state department, explained that his country's repressive laws concerning women are "to protect them from sexual harassment." Oh, I see! According to this brave Sheik of Araby, making women bundle in 120-degree heat, depriving them of the right to vote, work, get an education, drive a car, or leave the house unescorted is to protect them from harassment.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

All the News That's Fit to Distort

Regarding Fox News' non-stop blathering about Obama "nationalizing" the auto industry:
Like all phony pundits, the clowns at Fox News rely on the public having a short memory. Some of us remember that this is not Washington's first tampering with Detroit. Back in the 80's, Chrysler president, Lee Iacocca, went to Congress and begged to have his bankrupt company saved. The Feds guaranteed a huge loan and Lee turned a shitty company that was dying into a shitty company that has survived until now when it's bankrupt again.

Apparently, if Republican sacred cow, Ronald Reagan, (Alaska's lone idiot congressman, Don Young, wanted Reagan's face added to Mt. Rushmore!) oversees the bail-out of a car company, it's capitalism--if Obama does likewise, it's socialism.