You can learn a lot sitting in a bar. For instance, watching some martini drinkers I just figured out that vermouth must be one of the most powerful substances on earth.
Example:
If a man were to walk int a bar and order a double shot of straight gin, he would be condemned as an uncouth alcoholic. Folks on neighboring stools would edge away.
But if the same man ordered a martini (a double shot of gin with a drop of vermouth), he would be applauded as a suave, sophisticated man-of-the-world.
Vermouth must be some truly incredible stuff. Could a single drop of anything else transform a person so radically?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Welcome to Death Row, I'll Have a Budweiser
Popped into the bar for a nightcap yesterday--and instantly saw that it was a mistake. For some reason, the place was filled with young men, many of them sporting shaved or nearly-shaved heads and a several macho tattoos. I felt as if I were in a prison yard instead of a cheery neighborhood bar!
I chugged a beer and split.
I'll never understand how the "death-row look" has become so fashionable. Maybe I'm just an old hippie, but I think the country was doing a lot better when men had long hair and tattoos were for hoodlums and carnival freaks.
I chugged a beer and split.
I'll never understand how the "death-row look" has become so fashionable. Maybe I'm just an old hippie, but I think the country was doing a lot better when men had long hair and tattoos were for hoodlums and carnival freaks.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
A Winner!
Thanks, RACHEL, for your winning entries in the Fox News Contest:
Fat-assed Ornery Xeroxes (of Limbaugh)
Frequently Odious eXacerbaters
Frustrated Onerous eXclaimers
All apt names for the Fox "News" program.
Your prize is in the mail!
Fat-assed Ornery Xeroxes (of Limbaugh)
Frequently Odious eXacerbaters
Frustrated Onerous eXclaimers
All apt names for the Fox "News" program.
Your prize is in the mail!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I Don't Mind Mixing Apples and Oranges--And I can Tell the Difference Between the Two Without Labels
Speaking of fruit . . .
I like a nice piece of fruit. Is there anything more natural and beautiful than a perfectly ripened apple or pear?
I assumed that these simple delights were secure--unable to be diminished by the Hand of Man. Or Corporate America.
Of course, I should have known better.
Okay, I realize that those little tags pasted onto our fruits and vegetables serve a purpose. But does that purpose outweigh the inconvenience? Does it warrant the insult (Yes, that's right!) to these unspoiled wonders?
Is the sky bluer? Is springtime more welcome each year? Is there peace and harmony among the nations? Is the world a substantially better place to live in NOW THAT I HAVE TO SCRAPE THOSE FUCKING LABELS OFF OF MY TOMATOES AND APPLES AS IF THEY WERE SOME SORT OF CHEAP, MASS-PRODUCED TRINKETS?
I like a nice piece of fruit. Is there anything more natural and beautiful than a perfectly ripened apple or pear?
I assumed that these simple delights were secure--unable to be diminished by the Hand of Man. Or Corporate America.
Of course, I should have known better.
Okay, I realize that those little tags pasted onto our fruits and vegetables serve a purpose. But does that purpose outweigh the inconvenience? Does it warrant the insult (Yes, that's right!) to these unspoiled wonders?
Is the sky bluer? Is springtime more welcome each year? Is there peace and harmony among the nations? Is the world a substantially better place to live in NOW THAT I HAVE TO SCRAPE THOSE FUCKING LABELS OFF OF MY TOMATOES AND APPLES AS IF THEY WERE SOME SORT OF CHEAP, MASS-PRODUCED TRINKETS?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Where Did Eve Find That Big Shiny Apple in All of Those Old Paintings? The Things Hadn't Been Invented Yet!
For my Christian Fundamentalist friends:
Do you realize that Evolution is the basis for all of modern biology? It is also the basis for absolutely all of our agriculture. Do you know what an apple would be like without Evolution? It would be a rock-hard, impossibly sour thing about the size of a ping-pong ball. Without Evolution, corn would be a thumb-sized grain; it would take acres to produce a bushel of wheat and a herd of cows to give a gallon of milk.
Maybe you people should restrict your diet to wild grasses and acorns--or any of the other foods that still flourish exactly as God created them in those 7 days.
Do you realize that Evolution is the basis for all of modern biology? It is also the basis for absolutely all of our agriculture. Do you know what an apple would be like without Evolution? It would be a rock-hard, impossibly sour thing about the size of a ping-pong ball. Without Evolution, corn would be a thumb-sized grain; it would take acres to produce a bushel of wheat and a herd of cows to give a gallon of milk.
Maybe you people should restrict your diet to wild grasses and acorns--or any of the other foods that still flourish exactly as God created them in those 7 days.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Besides, Torturing Women is Fun
Just heard a great one on the radio. The ambassador from Saudi Arabia, that wonderful medieval monarchy beloved of the Bush clan and our state department, explained that his country's repressive laws concerning women are "to protect them from sexual harassment." Oh, I see! According to this brave Sheik of Araby, making women bundle in 120-degree heat, depriving them of the right to vote, work, get an education, drive a car, or leave the house unescorted is to protect them from harassment.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
All the News That's Fit to Distort
Regarding Fox News' non-stop blathering about Obama "nationalizing" the auto industry:
Like all phony pundits, the clowns at Fox News rely on the public having a short memory. Some of us remember that this is not Washington's first tampering with Detroit. Back in the 80's, Chrysler president, Lee Iacocca, went to Congress and begged to have his bankrupt company saved. The Feds guaranteed a huge loan and Lee turned a shitty company that was dying into a shitty company that has survived until now when it's bankrupt again.
Apparently, if Republican sacred cow, Ronald Reagan, (Alaska's lone idiot congressman, Don Young, wanted Reagan's face added to Mt. Rushmore!) oversees the bail-out of a car company, it's capitalism--if Obama does likewise, it's socialism.
Like all phony pundits, the clowns at Fox News rely on the public having a short memory. Some of us remember that this is not Washington's first tampering with Detroit. Back in the 80's, Chrysler president, Lee Iacocca, went to Congress and begged to have his bankrupt company saved. The Feds guaranteed a huge loan and Lee turned a shitty company that was dying into a shitty company that has survived until now when it's bankrupt again.
Apparently, if Republican sacred cow, Ronald Reagan, (Alaska's lone idiot congressman, Don Young, wanted Reagan's face added to Mt. Rushmore!) oversees the bail-out of a car company, it's capitalism--if Obama does likewise, it's socialism.
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