Sunday, October 31, 2010

"Calendars Are Fine, But No Slide Rules Or Computers, Please."--God

Pope Benedict XVI has just renewed the Church's ban on contraception, proclaiming it to "deny the beauty of conjugal love." (And who would be more qualified to pass judgment on conjugal love than a celibate priest?)

Good Catholics will continue relying on mathematics for birth control, but must avoid chemistry and physics.

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Great Debate

Alaska's senatorial race is in the home stretch. I just watched a debate between the candidates and was left with these impressions:

Lisa looked and sounded like a meth-cranked fugitive from a bulimia clinic caught in the headlights of an on-rushing 18-wheeler. My God! If this is what running a write-in campaign does to a person, no one should mess with it.

Scott looked and sounded like someone you'd want to sit down and have 10 or 12 beers and a couple foot-long, double-bacon-cheeseburgers with. He should invite Lisa.

Joe looked like a cross between Pee Wee Herman and Bela Lugosi, and sounded like someone running for student council president in1953. States Rights? Creationism? Joe must have thought he was back at Drop Zone Security with his skinhead pals.

I honestly would have to give the debate to McAdams. He was self-assured, knowledgeable on the issues, and, given the company, should have scored big points for just coming across as a normal, decent human being.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

If We Truly Have Freedom Of The Press, How Can Any News Be A "Leak"?

"Patriots always talk of dying for their country but never of killing for their country."
--Bertrand Russell

"Fuck the civilians."
--Richard Nixon

Russell, a mathematician and philosopher, was one of the great minds of the 20th Century. He was a hero of mine and I quote him often.
Nixon was a petty shyster who lied and cheated his way into the presidency and then lied and cheated himself right out of the presidency. I rarely quote him.

The above quote was Nixon's famous reply (to fellow criminal, Henry Kissinger) when told that his bombings in Vietnam and Cambodia were mostly killing civilians.
Given the Pentagon's cover-up of civilian deaths in Iraq exposed by WikiLeaks, I guess that not much has changed since the Nixon days.
The talking heads will continue debating the propriety of the WikiLeaks publications, but my simple question is this:
In an open society, how can revealing the truth ever be a bad thing?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dear H. K.,

The bags of you know what are you know where.
Death to Amer . . . I mean, kick some Taliban ass!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My War Effort

Economists that once estimated the cost of our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan at $3 trillion, have now announced that the true cost is more like $6 trillion.

Let's do some math:
The pentagon claims that we've killed 40,000 bad guys in the Middle East. (Enemy casualties are exaggerated in all wars, but let's be conservative and go with this figure.)
This means that we are spending around $150 million per kill.

Killing one illiterate goat-roper hiding in a cave 8 thousand miles away in a country barely emerged from the Bronze Age who probably couldn't find the U.S. on a map and who poses less of a threat to you and me than a yeast infection--this, according to our leaders, is worth $150 million.

And now we are on the verge of handing the government over to people whose idea of "fiscal responsibility" is to continue funding this insanity by laying off teachers, cutting aid to the elderly and unemployed, and letting Americans go bankrupt to get medical care.

Some say that my anti-war position is unpatriotic. Hey--that $200.00 in income tax I paid this year went to killing .00000135 of one of our enemies.
Don't tell me I don't do my part!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Get "Stupid" For Scott

"The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt."
--Bertrand Russell

Indeed, the intelligent voters of Alaska are currently full of doubt. They are in doubt as to whether a vote for write-in Republican, Lisa Murkowski, or a vote for Democrat, Scott McAdams, is the best way to defeat Tea Party assclown, Joe Miller.

Look: Choosing betweeen Murkowski and Miller is like choosing between testicular cancer and a sucking chest wound. Alaskan progressives (can you believe we live in a country where half the population considers "progressive" to be a negative label?) need to stop over-thinking this problem and become as "cocksure" as our conservative rivals. We need to abandon the lesser-of-two-evils bullshit and simply vote, as usual, for the most progressive candidate.
If we ALL vote for McAdams, he can win. This is our only hope for sending a decent politician instead of a fool to Washington.

Take the leap. DO IT.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"Screw You--You'll Find Out What I'm About After I'm Elected!"

The arrogance of senatorial candidate, Joe Miller, is truly astounding. The man seems convinced that an endorsement from Sarah Palin and big bucks from Republican fat-cats are all he needs to ensure his election. He is shunning both interviews with the local press and debates with the other candidates. You see, Joe doesn't like people "prying into his affairs." Apparently, no one has explained to him that revealing his affairs is WHAT A FUCKING CANDIDATE DOES--that's how we know who to vote for, Joe. I guess he also hasn't been informed that roughing up journalists isn't good form for someone whose main platform is strict adherence to the Constitution. Isn't there something in there about Freedom of the Press?

Miller's recent endeavors toward self-destruction have given me some hope. A week ago I figured that his election was a slam dunk. Lisa lost her moderate base when she "went rogue" in the primary, and Democrat, Scott McAdams, lurched into the race with the charisma of a stunned halibut.
I believe that Miller's antics have helped McAdams. This affable, down-to-earth candidate is coming across better these days and he certainly has my support.
It would be refreshing for Alaskans to elect a politician that won't become a total embarrassment to the state.

Friday, October 15, 2010

"Aw Shucks, I Get So Embarrassed When Folks Find Out About All The Good My Organization Is Doing"

What do these organizations have in common?
-Tea Party Express
-Let Freedom Ring
-Americans for Job Security
-Citizens United
-U.S. Chamber of Commerce
-American Crossroads
They are all funding attack ads against Democrat candidates.
They are all officially unaffiliated with a political party and therefore required to disclose neither donors nor amounts donated.
(As of this blog entry, all Democrat attack ads against Republicans have been funded by the Democratic Party and, by law, are subject to full disclosure.)

-Spot Quiz-
The above organizations remain anonymous because:
A.) Their members are shy, humble do-gooders who feel awkward about stepping into the spotlight.
B.) They are special-interest groups that want to keep their identity from the public.

If you answered B.), I hope that you will be voting on Nov. 2nd
If you answered A.), I hope that your limousine breaks down on way to the polling place

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"Spending Is Out Of Hand--It's Not All Going To The Military And The Rich"

These conservative talking heads blathering about "irresponsible spending" are giving me the red ass. They have conveniently forgotten that Dubya, with his phony war and give-aways to the rich, turned the biggest surplus in U.S. history into the biggest deficit.

Here's an idea: How about if all the comfortable, middle-class tea partiers and all of Dubya's rich-made-richer pooled their bucks and donated enough money to bring the treasury back to where it was in 2000.
Then maybe I'd start listening to this bullshit about "irresponsible spending."

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Everything's Fine

Our Republican governor, Sean Parnell (appointed after Sarah abandoned her job), took it upon himself to exclude Alaska from the country's new medical plan. (Nothing like having a non-elected official decide for you that you don't need health care.) Now he has rejected the federal funds offered each state to examine health-insurance practices.
According to Sean, everything is just fine the way it is . . . Yes, unless you're one of the 115,000 Alaskans without health insurance.

I'd like Sean to be with one of his uninsured constituents when he receives a $100,000.00 bill for a week's hospitalization so he can tell him, "Everything's fine."

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Dear Mr. Party,

Thanks for the input. My staff is analyzing your recommendations and will be forming a committee to form a committee to investigate the team that is investigating our policies in Afghanistan that are currently being explored by the team assembling actuarial tables reflecting the percentages of voters for and against the war in light of the outcome of our inquiries into . . .
We'll get back to you.

Barack Obama
Not Really Oval But More Like A Hyperbolic Ellipse Office
White (grayish with hints of burnt-umber) House
Washington, D.C.

P.S. Would you mind sending the Pentagon the exact co-ordinates of your "pad"?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Dear President Obama,

Hey man, I'm really digging this whole retro thing, like the phony war that no one wants, supporting a corrupt puppet government, putting down war protesters, but where's the chicks in mini-skirts? Where's the love-ins, be-ins, and happenings? And, man, you got the music all wrong. Where's Jimi, Janice, Jerry? Me and you got to sit down, roll us up a fatty, and I'll help you get your shit together. But, like, what goes around comes around, so we got to hurry up before this war trip starts harshing your gig.
Peace love,

Les Party
My Own Head, California

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dear Joe Miller,

I love your plan to shit-can Social Security, Unemployment Insurance, and Medicare, but this new bit about leaving Minimum Wage and all those other rules to the states--that's the filling in the Twinkie!
If we can keep those niggers in the South from voting, patriotic conservatives like yourself would stand a better chance. I think we could really boost coal production in Kentucky and West Virginia by putting children to work in those cramped mine shafts. If we could just bust that fucking Garment Workers Union in New York, there are plenty of immigrant women willing to work in sweatshops for peanuts.
It's time we started moving this country FORWARD!

Red Baiter
Trailerview Estates
Wasilla, Alaska

Monday, October 4, 2010

Obama Hands Al-Qaeda Another Victory

Of all my growing disappointments with the Obama administration, my biggest might be over his support of Bush's wiretap laws and the recent hassling of anti-war groups by the FBI.
Are you shitting me? When the man promised change, I didn't think he meant change back to the paranoid policies of Richard Nixon.
Is there any benefit from these policies that could possibly outweigh the erosion of our civil liberties that American troops in the Middle East are supposedly fighting to protect?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

At Last: A Plan For Victory In Afghanistan

Let's do some math: The population of Afghanistan is 30 million. Now, if we could use our irritating presence there to encourage just one suicide bombing per day, producing a modest 10 deaths, I have calculated (allowing for Afghanistan's annual growth rate of 1%/year) that in 8,200 years the entire Afghan population would be eliminated--the country will have committed suicide. Our problems with Afghanistan would finally be over.
Yes, it seems like a long time, but I believe that this might really be faster than our current strategy of . . . of . . . Oh, that's right, we don't have a strategy.

Abusing people for fun and Prophet:
The Taliban are mere thugs using religion as an excuse to mistreat women and bully the general public. (Imagine that!) I genuinely feel for the people suffering at their hands. But as long as countries like Afghanistan are run by corrupt greedheads who deny their citizens jobs, education, and security, nothing is going to change.
50,000 American troops roaming the Afghan mountains and occasionally killing a few bad guys isn't going to change anything either.