Sometimes I amuse myself at the supermarket by looking for the most ridiculous items I can find. Here's a couple new ones:
1.) 3 brands of ORGANIC DOG FOOD. Well, it's about time! I'd hate to think that animals capable of eating shit or their own young were being subjected to impure food. (By the way--if you've noticed your dog wearing a veil or a skull cap, you'll be pleased to know that these organic dog foods also comply with the dietary laws of both Muslims and Jews.)
2.) SWANSON'S FROZEN WIENER&BEAN DINNER. What a deal! Why invest 50 cents and 10 minutes on a wiener&bean dinner when you can have the same thing for $4.79 in one hour (15 minutes pre-heat, 45 minutes cooking time.)
I've been thinking of staking out the frozen food aisle and watching for folks who buy this item--I have some waterfront property in Fairbanks they might be interested in.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Natural Contrariness
Have you noticed that everything at the grocery store is suddenly "natural." (Maybe this is as it should be. Isn't everything in the world natural? Are there any supernatural products? Any products conceived through alchemy, witchcraft, or delivered via black holes or warps in space/time?)
And how the hell do they get away with capping ingredient lists with: "and natural ingredients." Doesn't this trivialize everything else on the list? Rat shit, roach wings, crude oil, and 'possum piss are all perfectly natural ingredients--I don't think I'd want them in my food.
Yesterday at the health food store I encountered NATURAL OREO COOKIES.
The Oreo Cookie as it occurs in Nature? I wonder: Do they mine those things or pick them?
And is a natural shampoo any more natural than greasy hair? And . . . God, don't get me started!
And how the hell do they get away with capping ingredient lists with: "and natural ingredients." Doesn't this trivialize everything else on the list? Rat shit, roach wings, crude oil, and 'possum piss are all perfectly natural ingredients--I don't think I'd want them in my food.
Yesterday at the health food store I encountered NATURAL OREO COOKIES.
The Oreo Cookie as it occurs in Nature? I wonder: Do they mine those things or pick them?
And is a natural shampoo any more natural than greasy hair? And . . . God, don't get me started!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
What a Week! The Pope and One Awesome Deal!
Nice of the Pope to drop by for a visit this week. As Popes go, he seems like a decent sort--especially when you consider that he was raised in Nazi Germany and has never been laid.
(By the way, the Catholic Church never intended celibacy for its priests, only that they refrain from marriage. During the Middle Ages the Church was acquiring great wealth and property, and did not want wives claiming "halfsies" or children inheriting a piece of the action).
While we're on the subject:
To receive my short story "Conclave", a lighthearted tale set in the Vatican, send your e-mail address and $5.00 (one stinkinking cocktail!) or $10.00 for a signed(!) hard copy or disk to:
Joe Karson
203 W. 3rd St. #D
Juneau, Alaska 99801
--Satisfaction guaranteed!-Hurry while supplies last!-Tell a friend!--
(By the way, the Catholic Church never intended celibacy for its priests, only that they refrain from marriage. During the Middle Ages the Church was acquiring great wealth and property, and did not want wives claiming "halfsies" or children inheriting a piece of the action).
While we're on the subject:
To receive my short story "Conclave", a lighthearted tale set in the Vatican, send your e-mail address and $5.00 (one stinkinking cocktail!) or $10.00 for a signed(!) hard copy or disk to:
Joe Karson
203 W. 3rd St. #D
Juneau, Alaska 99801
--Satisfaction guaranteed!-Hurry while supplies last!-Tell a friend!--
Monday, April 21, 2008
And How About That 40-Day Rain Delay!
It's baseball season, at last. I'm a big fan.
Apparently, so were the folks who wrote the Bible:
In the big-inning God created heaven and earth (yeah, that's a big one) . . . and on the seventh day He rested (the seventh inning he stretched).
Now tell me baseball isn't important!
Apparently, so were the folks who wrote the Bible:
In the big-inning God created heaven and earth (yeah, that's a big one) . . . and on the seventh day He rested (the seventh inning he stretched).
Now tell me baseball isn't important!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
A Modest Proposal
Our country still maintains a nuclear arsenal capable of blowing up the inhabited world one hundred times. As a patriotic American, this fills me with pride.
Still, with a presidential election on the horizon, I would like to offer a modest proposal to those seeking our highest office:
Would it be possible to reduce this stockpile to a level capable of destroying the world only fifty times and put the savings into a national health-care plan?
I realize that this is a radical idea. Please believe me, I am no extremist or whining malcontent. I am not a Communist, a terrorist, nor a vegetarian.
I am just a simple American taxpayer who dreams of a world he can blow up fifty times while still being able to see a dentist.
Thank you.
Still, with a presidential election on the horizon, I would like to offer a modest proposal to those seeking our highest office:
Would it be possible to reduce this stockpile to a level capable of destroying the world only fifty times and put the savings into a national health-care plan?
I realize that this is a radical idea. Please believe me, I am no extremist or whining malcontent. I am not a Communist, a terrorist, nor a vegetarian.
I am just a simple American taxpayer who dreams of a world he can blow up fifty times while still being able to see a dentist.
Thank you.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Sole Music
Ever wake up humming some stupid jingle? Find yourself walking along, singing a song you detest?
I am constantly struck by the similarity between hearing bad music and stepping in shit--you pick the stuff up by accident, then can't get rid of it.
Lately, I feel as though I'm walking through the musical countryside in Vibram-soled boots.
I am constantly struck by the similarity between hearing bad music and stepping in shit--you pick the stuff up by accident, then can't get rid of it.
Lately, I feel as though I'm walking through the musical countryside in Vibram-soled boots.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Another Season of Rhyme Without Reason
I thought it would pass. But surfing the AM dial, I still keep hearing songs that seem to have abandoned every traditional element of that art form except rhyme.
Here's a question I'd like to ask the artists responsible for these songs:
What if you were suddenly transported to a land whose language lacked the trivial quality of having some words that sound alike-- would that mean that you were no longer an artist?
Here's a question I'd like to ask the artists responsible for these songs:
What if you were suddenly transported to a land whose language lacked the trivial quality of having some words that sound alike-- would that mean that you were no longer an artist?
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