Writers Workshop

Lately, writers have been bemoaning the short attention span of the modern reader. They say that it's hurting their craft. I don't agree. Times change, and learning to write more succinctly might be a good thing.
There will always be ponderous best-sellers for people who read just to kill time. But I keep encountering "serious writing" that would be improved by some judicious editing. Many of the 20-page short stories that I read would have greater impact as more carefully written 10-page stories. Most of the poetry I read would be better off having never been written at all. (My poet friends are always wringing their hands and asking How can we get more people to read poetry? The answer is simple: Write better poetry! Have you seen some of the crap out there? Don't get me started!)
Enough.
I apologize for the length of this entry--I didn't have time to write a shorter one.

"Democracy"

We Americans are very concerned with democracy. Curiously, I find that most people's idea of an ideal democracy would be a country run by an iron-fisted dictator who thinks exactly as they do.

Leap of Faith

One of the great ironies of the modern world is that it is rapidly requiring a greater "leap of faith" to believe in science than religion. Strangely, I have no trouble accepting the science, but I still reject religion.
I am told that this seemingly solid desk I'm writing on is composed mostly of empty space with some invisible, variously charged particles randomly whizzing around. This sounds ridiculous and is contrary to what I perceive with my senses. But I believe it. The Big Bang, black holes, unseen dimensions, and anti-matter are even stranger ideas--but they are part of modern science and I believe in them too. The ultimate nature of reality as described by Einstein, Hawking, and other physicists features concepts as fantastic as the parting of the Red Sea or any other miracle in the Bible. Still, I am able to make the leap and accept these scientific principles--while dismissing Biblical stories as mere fairy tales.
Maybe it's the personnel.
Watching Stephen Hawking slumped over in his wheelchair, I am more willing to accept his mind-numbing idea of a 13-dimensional universe than anything coming from a big-haired televangelist wearing a $5,000 suit and a Rolex watch.

Keeping America Safe for Drunks, Gamblers, and Hookers

Had a chat with a conservative friend last night. He's worried that the upcoming election will bring us "socialized medicine." I explained that many institutions in this country are already socialized--but only the important ones. Ever notice the federal seal on a liquor bottle? How about gambling--it's only legal where it's run by the government. Some parts of Nevada allow prostitution--if overseen by the government.
So there it is: Socialized booze, betting, and hookers, and free enterprise medicine--we wouldn't want this socialization thing to get out of hand.
Just be careful. If you haven't paid your protection money to one of the insurance gangs, watch out when you stumble drunk on wholesome whiskey between a certified healthy whorehouse and a certified honest casino. If you get injured, buddy, you're on your own.

Twain Spinning

I'm a big Mark Twain fan. Incredibly, in my lifetime, I've seen his masterpiece, "Huckleberry Finn," banned twice: Once by white fools, now by black fools. As a man who suffered no fools gladly, Twain's got to be spinning.
Growing up, I watched white racists remove "HF" from my school library. They did not like the novel's message of racial equality.
Now, I turn on my radio and here's some black "leaders" banning "HF" because it contains the "n-word." Never mind the book's historical significance as the first major literary work denouncing white-on-black racism. Never mind that the equality of blacks and whites is the entire premise of the book!
Here's my question for these supposedly concerned citizens:
If I proclaimed "Anyone saying n----- should be jailed," would that make me a racist? After all, I used that word.
It's a real testimony to Twain's genius that he could come up with a book rejected by both the KKK and the NAACP. He's got to be spinning!

Maybe Dubya Heard that Camels are "Ships of the Desert"

In its latest mugging of the American taxpayer, the Bush administration has requested $75 billion to buy submarines for the war on terrorism. That's right, submarines! It's comforting to know that Washington is not taking the threat of al-Qaida's cave-based naval fleet lightly.
Here's an idea: Why not just give $75 billion to Dubya's industrialist buddies and spare the rest of us this insult to our intelligence.

Another $75 billion diverted from our schools, hospitals, and infrastructure--and people still wonder why al-Qaida hasn't bothered to attack us again since 9/11.
Here's a tip for the military hunting Osama bin Laden: Beam your SONAR on those mountains and listen for the cave echoing with laughter.

Just kidding!

To those who responded to my last entries, I was just kidding! My distaste for auto racing was greatly exaggerated. Actually, stock car racing is my 3rd favorite thing in the world. My 1st two are:
1.) Going to the Pioneers home and watching arteries harden
2.) Going to the zoo and watching monkeys fling shit at each other

By the way, I endorse: neutering anyone who shows up at a Monster-Wheel Truck Rodeo, executing people who squeal their tires or race their engines on the street, putting a bounty on dirt bikes and jet-skis.

And for those of you urban-dwelling yuppies driving Hummers or huge, muscled-up 4x4 SUVs, here's a tip: Modern medicine is doing wonders these days with penis enlargement. You might want to look into it.