Monday, June 30, 2008

"Good Morning, We're Here to Spread the Good News About Pornography!"

Just listened to a well-known evangelist go on and on about how we are being "bombarded with pornography."
Funny, but I've never answered the door on a Sunday morning and faced a family of strangers trying to sell me porn. I've never checked into a hotel and found that a national organization has left porn in the nightstand. Two pages of my twenty-page local newspaper, and two out of three of my local TV stations have not yet been devoted to porn once a week. I've never walked through an American town and found the landscape dominated by enormous pornographic symbols, erected on tax-exempt property.

We are being bombarded in this country, and it sure ain't with porn.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Rough Night

Couldn't sleep last night, so what I did was:
I tried averaging together the largest celestial body with the smallest sub-atomic particle. If you do this just right (pick the right objects), you can end up with something between 5 and 6 feet long, weighing between 100 and 200 pounds.
But you have to do it just right. If you change either number by a zillionth of a percent, you end up with something 12,000 miles long, weighing a trillion pounds.
Still, it's an interesting idea--right? . . . Isn't it? Huh?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Colonel Sanders Advances On General Tso

There are 2,000 KFC's in China and more are being built daily. They can't get enough of that stuff over there.
The Colonel's formula (steaming the last possible remaining flavor out of an already flavorless, chemical-infused bird; encasing the meat in a glop of sugar, starch, fat, and more chemicals; sealing the meal in a bucket to keep the coating soggy and saturated with grease) must seem very exotic to the Chinese.
After centuries of developing a cuisine that includes thousands of ways to prepare chicken, this is apparently the only one they never thought of

Friday, June 20, 2008

Probably a Coincidence

A high percentage of soldiers are returning from Iraq with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Even higher than from Vietnam.
There was not nearly such a high incidence of PTSD in WWII vets, even though they suffered horrors equal to anything on current battlefields. I'm sure that the stoic nature of that generation kept many cases from coming to light. Still, there was relatively little PTSD. My father and three uncles came home from WWII and returned to ordinary lives without becoming alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals, or abusive husbands and fathers.
Of course, these men had the full support of their nation, a distinct enemy, and a cause that they believed was worth fighting for. Our soldiers in recent wars have been denied these benefits--and look at the epidemic of PTSD.
Probably just a coincidence, right?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Answer, My Friend, is Not Blowing in the Wind. It's . . .

Yet again, I turn on the radio and here is someone being touted as the "New Bob Dylan." And yet again, this person sounds remarkably like--Bob Dylan!
Here's a hint for you wannabe New Bob Dylans:
Dylan achieved what he did by being something new. Therefore, for you to be the new Dylan, you'll have to sound like . . . any fucking person in the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD BUT BOB FUCKING DYLAN!!!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A Surge in the War on Marriage!

California has just legalized same-sex marriage. Hundreds of gay couples are lining up to get married.
I hope that the Defense of Marriage people are keeping track of how many hetero couples have instantly withdrawn their marriage license applications, and how many long-time married couples have suddenly filed for divorce.
Here's another statistic I hope they're watching:
"Traditionally," over half of the hetero marriages in this country end in divorce. It will be interesting to see if gay marriages go that way too.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Paradise or Muck--What's the Dif, Brother?

An interesting aspect of the Creation/Evolution debate is that both "theories" lead to the same inescapable conclusion: We all share a common ancestry.
Whether we are descended from Adam and Eve or some one-celled blob that oozed forth out of the primordial muck, our lineages all had to start from a single point. There's really no other way. (Unless you listen to late-night AM radio and believe that we were planted here by a mad scientist or space aliens.)
Like it or not, we're just one big happy family!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Writers Workshop

Lately, writers have been bemoaning the short attention span of the modern reader. They say that it's hurting their craft. I don't agree. Times change, and learning to write more succinctly might be a good thing.
There will always be ponderous best-sellers for people who read just to kill time. But I keep encountering "serious writing" that would be improved by some judicious editing. Many of the 20-page short stories that I read would have greater impact as more carefully written 10-page stories. Most of the poetry I read would be better off having never been written at all. (My poet friends are always wringing their hands and asking How can we get more people to read poetry? The answer is simple: Write better poetry! Have you seen some of the crap out there? Don't get me started!)
I apologize for the length of this entry--I didn't have time to write a shorter one.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


We Americans are very concerned with democracy. Curiously, I find that most people's idea of an ideal democracy would be a country run by an iron-fisted dictator who thinks exactly as they do.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Leap of Faith

One of the great ironies of the modern world is that it is rapidly requiring a greater "leap of faith" to believe in science than religion. Strangely, I have no trouble accepting the science, but I still reject religion.
I am told that this seemingly solid desk I'm writing on is composed mostly of empty space with some invisible, variously charged particles randomly whizzing around. This sounds ridiculous and is contrary to what I perceive with my senses. But I believe it. The Big Bang, black holes, unseen dimensions, and anti-matter are even stranger ideas--but they are part of modern science and I believe in them too. The ultimate nature of reality as described by Einstein, Hawking, and other physicists features concepts as fantastic as the parting of the Red Sea or any other miracle in the Bible. Still, I am able to make the leap and accept these scientific principles--while dismissing Biblical stories as mere fairy tales.
Maybe it's the personnel.
Watching Stephen Hawking slumped over in his wheelchair, I am more willing to accept his mind-numbing idea of a 13-dimensional universe than anything coming from a big-haired televangelist wearing a $5,000 suit and a Rolex watch.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Keeping America Safe for Drunks, Gamblers, and Hookers

Had a chat with a conservative friend last night. He's worried that the upcoming election will bring us "socialized medicine." I explained that many institutions in this country are already socialized--but only the important ones. Ever notice the federal seal on a liquor bottle? How about gambling--it's only legal where it's run by the government. Some parts of Nevada allow prostitution--if overseen by the government.
So there it is: Socialized booze, betting, and hookers, and free enterprise medicine--we wouldn't want this socialization thing to get out of hand.
Just be careful. If you haven't paid your protection money to one of the insurance gangs, watch out when you stumble drunk on wholesome whiskey between a certified healthy whorehouse and a certified honest casino. If you get injured, buddy, you're on your own.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Twain Spinning

I'm a big Mark Twain fan. Incredibly, in my lifetime, I've seen his masterpiece, "Huckleberry Finn," banned twice: Once by white fools, now by black fools. As a man who suffered no fools gladly, Twain's got to be spinning.
Growing up, I watched white racists remove "HF" from my school library. They did not like the novel's message of racial equality.
Now, I turn on my radio and here's some black "leaders" banning "HF" because it contains the "n-word." Never mind the book's historical significance as the first major literary work denouncing white-on-black racism. Never mind that the equality of blacks and whites is the entire premise of the book!
Here's my question for these supposedly concerned citizens:
If I proclaimed "Anyone saying n----- should be jailed," would that make me a racist? After all, I used that word.
It's a real testimony to Twain's genius that he could come up with a book rejected by both the KKK and the NAACP. He's got to be spinning!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Maybe Dubya Heard that Camels are "Ships of the Desert"

In its latest mugging of the American taxpayer, the Bush administration has requested $75 billion to buy submarines for the war on terrorism. That's right, submarines! It's comforting to know that Washington is not taking the threat of al-Qaida's cave-based naval fleet lightly.
Here's an idea: Why not just give $75 billion to Dubya's industrialist buddies and spare the rest of us this insult to our intelligence.

Another $75 billion diverted from our schools, hospitals, and infrastructure--and people still wonder why al-Qaida hasn't bothered to attack us again since 9/11.
Here's a tip for the military hunting Osama bin Laden: Beam your SONAR on those mountains and listen for the cave echoing with laughter.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Just kidding!

To those who responded to my last entries, I was just kidding! My distaste for auto racing was greatly exaggerated. Actually, stock car racing is my 3rd favorite thing in the world. My 1st two are:
1.) Going to the Pioneers home and watching arteries harden
2.) Going to the zoo and watching monkeys fling shit at each other

By the way, I endorse: neutering anyone who shows up at a Monster-Wheel Truck Rodeo, executing people who squeal their tires or race their engines on the street, putting a bounty on dirt bikes and jet-skis.

And for those of you urban-dwelling yuppies driving Hummers or huge, muscled-up 4x4 SUVs, here's a tip: Modern medicine is doing wonders these days with penis enlargement. You might want to look into it.